Constant re-evaluation

[mousme]

I was supposed to go to bed. Instead, I'm going to make a quickie post. Bad, bad Phnee.

I seem to have spent the past two years in constant re-evaluation of myself, and I think I'm at yet another point where I have to do some serious thinking. I hate that. It hurts my brain. :P

(As a random aside, I have this terrifying suspicion that I've grown increasingly stupid since leaving university. I look at some of the highly interesting and intelligent conversations being held on LJ, and I don't think I could ever possibly contribute in a meaningful way. I'm growing ignorant, dammit!)

Okay, that wibble aside, I need to do some serious thinking about priorities. Too many shinies, as I've said before.

More to the point, I think that I'm going to start investing a lot more time in my dancing club. I'm still going to put in a lot of time and effort for random_colour too, because I like doing that, and people are counting on me.

But the time has come for me to pick the "hobby" that I like most and go with it. The others won't be abandoned, but they're not going to have as much energy put into them. I don't have all that much of it to spare these days. There's just too much going on.

Country dancing is, actually, the first activity (for lack of a better word) that I came to independently of anyone else. I saw the Bolo Club's performance at the Pride Parade last August, and thought: "Hey, that looks like fun!" I looked them up on the internet, and three weeks later, or thereabouts, I was on the dance floor learning the "Barn Dance." I've never looked back since.

Everything else I do has been because other people have been doing it. I'm very susceptible to the power suggestion. If someone was really into lint, they could probably pique my interest. Not that I don't like my other hobbies. I'm enjoying the knitting, the quilting is a blast, I kick ass at paintball, and I'm sure I could really get into fly fishing.

The point is, line dancing is my thing. It's entirely independent of all my friends. I can go there and lose myself. I love getting on the dance floor and having nothing but the music be important anymore. I love not having to think about the laundry that hasn't been done, the unwashed dishes, the unpaid bills.

My club is also a place where, for once, I feel unconditionally accepted. I've never had to pretend to be something I'm not while I'm there. Granted, my relationship with the people there is a superficial one: we dance together, and don't see each other at all otherwise.

I like not having to worry about my friends when I'm there. (I won't go into all the various reasons why and the ways that I worry about my friends. That's a post in and of itself, and would be far too angst-ridden and full of misconceived idiocies that stem only from my own neuroses for me to ever contemplate writing it out in journal form.) I like being able to go there by myself and leaving everything that's familiar behind.

I've been going more often to the club, but not as often as I'd like. I've put off going there because there were other activities that I thought I should prioritize because my friends were doing them. I don't want to do that anymore. I can still see my friends on the nights when I won't be at the club. They're open four days a week in the regular season, and three days in the summer. That leaves a fair bit of time for other things.

I think it's a fairly good sign that I can't wipe the silly grin off my face from the moment I get up onto the dance floor to the moment I step off. Everyone at the club has repeatedly told me that I look like I'm having the time of my life no matter to what music I'm dancing and no matter with whom I'm dancing. Not only that, but it makes others happy to be dancing, or happy to be watching me enjoy myself. By itself, that's not enough to make me want to continue: I'm not doing this for anyone else. But it's still telling enough for me.

So, if you ever need to find me and don't know where I am, here's a tip: follow the music.

Comments

[joane.livejournal.com]

I can always tell when you've been out dancing even when you don't tell me right away - you're bubbling with excitement and life even through exhaustion. This is a Good Thing. :)

[luvenditti.livejournal.com]

good for you!

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

Being able to put your finger on something and identify it as an action or undertaking that brings you pleasure is an incredible accomplishment. So many people can't do it, and therefore can't separate what truly makes them happy from the rest of their lives. Be proud, and enjoy.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Mm-hmm. In my case, it's not just a question of identifying what gives me pleasure. It's allowing myself to actually do it. I have this weird tendency to second-guess myself all the time: I shouldn't go dancing because it doesn't involve any of my friends (apart from the ones I specifically made at the club), it's selfish of me to go because I should be spending the time doing things that will give other people pleasure, etc.

So I'm slowly training myself out of that. There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy myself on my own terms.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

Oh, I so empathise. Allowing yourself to have fun is a huge, huge thing. Why do we always find some sort of reason to deny ourselves any activity where we might actually relax or enjoy ourselves?

Live for yourself, not others. (And if I had a dime for every time I repeated that mantra over the past decade, I would buy you your rosewood recorder, *and* a drum kit of your very own. Plus send you back to school, just for fun.)

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I think of as the tyranny of affection. Not sure if I borrowed the idea from someplace or came to it indpendently nowadays, but it's a phenomenon I've noticed. Basically, in your case, there's this extra category in the prioritizing which is labelled "and I get to see my friends X, Y and Z" which bumps some items upwards.

It can be a bit of a trap as there's no time left for just being yourself. It's ok to want time for yourself and to do stuff just for you.