Okay, I lied

[mousme]

Not in bed yet. Have things I want to say. Or at least write down. I should go to bed, especially if I want to be up in only a few more hours to write more.

I keep forgetting (every year o_O) that October and November are usually my worst months. Not because of outside factors, you understand. Somehow my brain just seems to break more easily during that time. Maybe it's partially related to there being increasingly less sunlight, or something. Dunno.

I had a good day, and rowen26's goodbye party was ever so much fun, therefore, one might argue, I shouldn't be upset by something as small as a website no longer being there. Except I am. Not as irrationally upset as I would have been a few months ago, mind you, but I am pretty bitterly disappointed. I was hoping to have all those write-ups (my writing, dammit!) as a reference for my game and my other writing, and now I can't have it. The rational side of me is saying: "Well, these things happen. It wasn't your web domain, and since you didn't back up your stuff, well, you just have to overcome adversity and rely on your memory." The irrational side of me is screaming: "But it was mine! Two years' worth of work that I'll never see again! I want it back!"

Anyway, that aside, I'm a little worried. I'm worried that I might be going crazy again and not noticing, because it's slow and insidious and it feels great when it starts. I'm happy to be writing again, and I really want to get involved in all these projects. I felt as though I wasn't accomplishing anything before, and now I'm going to be writing a serial and participating in NaNoWriMo again, and maybe this year I'll finish it. I've taken up dancing and I'm gaming, and I'll be running a game next year (if all goes according to plan, anyway), and all I want to do is pack my weeks full of things that I've always wanted to do.

Except that that's generally where I get into trouble. Okay, admittedly the fact that I'm worrying about this is probably a good sign that it's not happening, at least not yet. I've got a good balance of meds, so I probably won't dissolve into a delusional insomniac puddle by the time Christmas rolls around. This is a Good Thing™. Paranoid delusions, unlike what you see on television, are not fun at all.


Mainly, I feel as though I'm constantly teetering on a narrow path between two equally steep precipices: on one side lies stagnation, degeneration, and, ultimately, the death of the creative spirit. On the other side lies pure madness, degeneration, and, ultimately, the loss of the self. Neither option is appealing. I strive to tread the middle ground, to be happy with who I am while nonetheless seeking to be more than what I am.

If I had my way, I'd want to be one of those people who stays up for days at a stretch to complete some sort of artistic work. Realistically, I know that if I don't sleep, my brain will rebel, and I'll spiral off into a vicious self-destructive spiral. On the other hand, when I don't create at all, my brain rebels in different ways, and the self-destruct sequence begins anew.

It's a fine balance, I guess.

More later. Right now, bed.

Comments

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

*hugs Phnee tightly*

Sorry I can't be more help sweetie.

[rowen26.livejournal.com]

Well, I know how shitty it is to lose personnal things in digital oblivion. I myself lost many drawings forever in the big Motherboard Explosion of 2000.

The digital medias (be it written, music or drawn) is so intangible. Paper, you can loose but it can't just burts spontaniously into flames. Digital media on the other hand is in the illusatory security of Mr Computer. And I think we give it too much faith as to it's reality. It only takes a split second for everything to get whiped.

I'm sorry this happened.

*hugs*
I was really happy to see you tonight. Thank you so much for comming. :)

sleep good

[(Anonymous)]

I like sleep. I think it's underrated.

Lu

[sorceror.livejournal.com]

The digital medias (be it written, music or drawn) is so intangible. Paper, you can loose but it can't just burts spontaniously into flames. Digital media on the other hand is in the illusatory security of Mr Computer. And I think we give it too much faith as to it's reality. It only takes a split second for everything to get whiped.

Strangely enough, we were discussing this just a half-hour ago in my "Media and Technology" class.

Of course, the alternative is to carve everything in stone -- not too practical ("your end-of-term paper should be from 20 to 25 obilisks...")

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's Fall or Seasonal.

Aw, shit, I knew I forgot something.

Anyhow, not sure there's much to add here, except maybe some *hugs*.