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mousmeBut from a mental health point of view, paranoia sucks. Seriously, it sucks big rocks through bendy straws, as ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
griffen would say.
The thing about paranoia is that you don't realise it's paranoia, often not even when people around you tell you you're being paranoid. When it's mild paranoia and you're medicated, then sometimes, just sometimes, you can spot it. Most of the time, it goes right under the radar.
You start thinking in ways that seem perfectly reasonable and logical, but they're just ever so slightly off. Just ever so slightly twisted. Just ever so slightly skewed.
You begin to think that maybe people don't understand you. Maybe they just don't get it. It's probably not worth explaining anyway, because they wouldn't understand. Or something along those lines.
Then the small dark voices start up, echoing insistently inside your head. They're not necessarily *voices* of course. They're thoughts, or voices, or echoes, or whispers, or whatever you want to call them, but they're there, and they're very, very real, and very frightening.
It isn't worth it. Don't bother. What do they know, anyway? How can they possibly help? They don't really care. They're just acting like they do to salve their conscience once they wash their hands of you, but they don't give a rat's ass whether you live or die. You always die alone, you know. That's the only thing that counts. They're not trying to help you: you're just another stepping-stone for them. You're nothing to them. Just shut up and let well enough alone. If you're quiet they can't hold that against you...
On and on and on, endlessly.
Oh, yes, my mind's a busy place.
It's not doing that right now, mind you, which is why I'm able to talk about it. Ironic, n'est-ce-pas? Actually, it's *sort of* doing that, but not enough that I can't write it down. I'm still finding it hard to talk out loud about it, because I find it kind of shameful. Yes, I'm a girl of many contradictions. What can you do?
I don't consciously believe that anyone is out to get me. Rationally speaking, I also find it hard to justify saying that anyone would judge me negatively were I to say what I have just written out loud in a therapy context. And yet, there lies the rub: I can't do it. Or at least, I haven't been able to up until now.
Well, with my meds doc I have. At least, I can tell him that I have paranoid thoughts and paranoid delusions. I can use the technical terms for it without problem. I can be cold and distant and not deal with the problem, but I can't actually say what's going on in my head. The minute I try all the thoughts come swirling back and my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth and my throat constricts and nothing comes out. Not a single solitary sound.
I haven't told the group, nor am I likely to. I don't trust them, even on an intellectual level. They have an unmerciful way of tearing into people with the excuse that it's "therapeutic." I've learned some very interesting things from them, but they're downright brutal at times, and they were damned well brutal with me last week when I was at my worst. They couldn't have known, of course, and I don't blame them for not knowing, but I couldn't talk to them just then, and I do wish they had taken the hint and respected my silence. If someone doesn't want to talk, they should bloody well respect their silence and move on, instead of pounding at them and trying to force them to talk for over an hour. If making me sit there and cry for an hour and ten minutes was their idea of good therapy, well, then, they were very successful.
I'm sort of glad this group therapy thing is drawing to a close, all things considered. It was a worthwhile experiment, and I learned a lot, but I think it's time for it to end. For one thing, it takes up a lot of time. One evening a week, and 5:30 to 7:00 is a pretty inconvenient time slot. Also, I get the feeling that I'm starting to go in circles with this group.
I know that right now is not a good time to be making decisions about the group. I'm still right in the middle of this whole paranoid phase, although it's not as bad as before, but there are still some elements of it lingering around, which are so very difficult to watch out for because they're not as glaringly obvious. But, frankly, if the group weren't ending so soon (probably around the end of May), I'd very likely give my three sessions' notice. However, it hardly seems worth the endless hassle I'd get over it just for an extra two sessions. See, you have to give three sessions' notice so that everyone else in the group can question your "true" motivations for leaving and then deal with their own emotions about your leaving, etc. Fair enough, but since I'm the non-confrontational one, I don't want to deal with that.
Anyway, enough rambling for one night.
*looks back over text*
That was very, very long. Looks like I might actually be getting over this little bit of journaler's block. :P
griffen would say.The thing about paranoia is that you don't realise it's paranoia, often not even when people around you tell you you're being paranoid. When it's mild paranoia and you're medicated, then sometimes, just sometimes, you can spot it. Most of the time, it goes right under the radar.
You start thinking in ways that seem perfectly reasonable and logical, but they're just ever so slightly off. Just ever so slightly twisted. Just ever so slightly skewed.
You begin to think that maybe people don't understand you. Maybe they just don't get it. It's probably not worth explaining anyway, because they wouldn't understand. Or something along those lines.
Then the small dark voices start up, echoing insistently inside your head. They're not necessarily *voices* of course. They're thoughts, or voices, or echoes, or whispers, or whatever you want to call them, but they're there, and they're very, very real, and very frightening.
It isn't worth it. Don't bother. What do they know, anyway? How can they possibly help? They don't really care. They're just acting like they do to salve their conscience once they wash their hands of you, but they don't give a rat's ass whether you live or die. You always die alone, you know. That's the only thing that counts. They're not trying to help you: you're just another stepping-stone for them. You're nothing to them. Just shut up and let well enough alone. If you're quiet they can't hold that against you...
On and on and on, endlessly.
Oh, yes, my mind's a busy place.
It's not doing that right now, mind you, which is why I'm able to talk about it. Ironic, n'est-ce-pas? Actually, it's *sort of* doing that, but not enough that I can't write it down. I'm still finding it hard to talk out loud about it, because I find it kind of shameful. Yes, I'm a girl of many contradictions. What can you do?
I don't consciously believe that anyone is out to get me. Rationally speaking, I also find it hard to justify saying that anyone would judge me negatively were I to say what I have just written out loud in a therapy context. And yet, there lies the rub: I can't do it. Or at least, I haven't been able to up until now.
Well, with my meds doc I have. At least, I can tell him that I have paranoid thoughts and paranoid delusions. I can use the technical terms for it without problem. I can be cold and distant and not deal with the problem, but I can't actually say what's going on in my head. The minute I try all the thoughts come swirling back and my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth and my throat constricts and nothing comes out. Not a single solitary sound.
I haven't told the group, nor am I likely to. I don't trust them, even on an intellectual level. They have an unmerciful way of tearing into people with the excuse that it's "therapeutic." I've learned some very interesting things from them, but they're downright brutal at times, and they were damned well brutal with me last week when I was at my worst. They couldn't have known, of course, and I don't blame them for not knowing, but I couldn't talk to them just then, and I do wish they had taken the hint and respected my silence. If someone doesn't want to talk, they should bloody well respect their silence and move on, instead of pounding at them and trying to force them to talk for over an hour. If making me sit there and cry for an hour and ten minutes was their idea of good therapy, well, then, they were very successful.
I'm sort of glad this group therapy thing is drawing to a close, all things considered. It was a worthwhile experiment, and I learned a lot, but I think it's time for it to end. For one thing, it takes up a lot of time. One evening a week, and 5:30 to 7:00 is a pretty inconvenient time slot. Also, I get the feeling that I'm starting to go in circles with this group.
I know that right now is not a good time to be making decisions about the group. I'm still right in the middle of this whole paranoid phase, although it's not as bad as before, but there are still some elements of it lingering around, which are so very difficult to watch out for because they're not as glaringly obvious. But, frankly, if the group weren't ending so soon (probably around the end of May), I'd very likely give my three sessions' notice. However, it hardly seems worth the endless hassle I'd get over it just for an extra two sessions. See, you have to give three sessions' notice so that everyone else in the group can question your "true" motivations for leaving and then deal with their own emotions about your leaving, etc. Fair enough, but since I'm the non-confrontational one, I don't want to deal with that.
Anyway, enough rambling for one night.
*looks back over text*
That was very, very long. Looks like I might actually be getting over this little bit of journaler's block. :P
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 07:38 pm (UTC)And hey, thanks for telling us what's going on for you.
*offers reassuring hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 08:35 pm (UTC)She's a firm believer in not withdrawing and talking at all costs. Or "verbalising" as she puts it. A "tough love" kind of approach, if you will.
I'm unimpressed, at this point, which is why I likely won't be pursuing this particular type of therapy in future, once it's run its course in a few weeks' time.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-16 09:36 pm (UTC)Hey. I mama-bear. [shrugs sheepishly] {{hugs}} sweetness, even if they don't help much, because you give damn good hugs. :) I'm very glad that you're writing again; I don't know if it's a me-thing, but everything seems to sort itself out once I see it in black and white. I hope it helps for you, too.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 08:38 pm (UTC)Black and white does sometimes help to sort things out, but only when I'm in a rational enough state to actually put it into words. I'm glad to be writing again too.
*squishie*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-17 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-17 03:19 pm (UTC)