Feeling kinda selfish today
Mar. 26th, 2003 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI want to have a girlfriend. I'd like to find someone lovely and sweet with whom I could be in love and have something special. Not necessarily a mind–shattering romance, but I'd like not to be alone for once.
I'm kind of jealous of the majority of my friends who all seem to be happily shacked-up/married/affianced.
I just feel like I've been left behind here, and that I'm spending more and more time alone. I don't mind being alone, in fact I rather enjoy my "me" time, but I don't *always* want to be alone, and I can't always spend time with my friends without feeling like the proverbial third wheel.
Then there's that nagging feeling of guilt that's still here, after all this time. I still feel guilty for wanting anything for myself after I broke off my relationship with Poms. I know it's completely irrational, but every time I even contemplate the idea of picking up and moving on (at least in my romantic life), something weird happens in my mind which tells me that I don't deserve to what I want.
If I could destroy such a nice guy, if I'm so anti–committment right now, why should I even contemplate having a relationship with someone else? I'm obviously too selfish and self–centered to think about getting involved with someone: I'll just end up hurting them. By staying single, at least the only person I'm hurting is myself. I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?
*sits against wall with chin in palms*
It's not fair. Why must my brain be so fucked up?
I'm kind of jealous of the majority of my friends who all seem to be happily shacked-up/married/affianced.
I just feel like I've been left behind here, and that I'm spending more and more time alone. I don't mind being alone, in fact I rather enjoy my "me" time, but I don't *always* want to be alone, and I can't always spend time with my friends without feeling like the proverbial third wheel.
Then there's that nagging feeling of guilt that's still here, after all this time. I still feel guilty for wanting anything for myself after I broke off my relationship with Poms. I know it's completely irrational, but every time I even contemplate the idea of picking up and moving on (at least in my romantic life), something weird happens in my mind which tells me that I don't deserve to what I want.
If I could destroy such a nice guy, if I'm so anti–committment right now, why should I even contemplate having a relationship with someone else? I'm obviously too selfish and self–centered to think about getting involved with someone: I'll just end up hurting them. By staying single, at least the only person I'm hurting is myself. I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?
*sits against wall with chin in palms*
It's not fair. Why must my brain be so fucked up?
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Date: 2003-03-26 04:07 pm (UTC)Just a quick point: "I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?"
This is *so* not what happened, although it's what he'd like you to believe. Try this on for size:
"My ex decided to threaten suicide as a form of emotional blackmail, since he knew I was already feeling undeservedly guilty about choosing my own happiness over putting up with his constant bullshit. This proved that he was a dick who didn't really care about me and my well-being."
Not all relationships have to be earth-shattering forever-romances. There are plenty of women out there just looking for someone to go out with, spend time with, relax around. I know - I did that myself for a while. :) Casual dating is a Good Thing, and as long as you communicate what your desires are -
("I'm looking for something casual right now, since I don't have the time/energy/inclination for a full-bore True Love at the moment. Wanna grab coffee and fool around?")
- you'll be fine. :)
I'm out of town this weekend, but around tonight and tomorrow night. Gimme a call if you want.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-27 06:14 am (UTC)