Feeling kinda selfish today
Mar. 26th, 2003 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI want to have a girlfriend. I'd like to find someone lovely and sweet with whom I could be in love and have something special. Not necessarily a mind–shattering romance, but I'd like not to be alone for once.
I'm kind of jealous of the majority of my friends who all seem to be happily shacked-up/married/affianced.
I just feel like I've been left behind here, and that I'm spending more and more time alone. I don't mind being alone, in fact I rather enjoy my "me" time, but I don't *always* want to be alone, and I can't always spend time with my friends without feeling like the proverbial third wheel.
Then there's that nagging feeling of guilt that's still here, after all this time. I still feel guilty for wanting anything for myself after I broke off my relationship with Poms. I know it's completely irrational, but every time I even contemplate the idea of picking up and moving on (at least in my romantic life), something weird happens in my mind which tells me that I don't deserve to what I want.
If I could destroy such a nice guy, if I'm so anti–committment right now, why should I even contemplate having a relationship with someone else? I'm obviously too selfish and self–centered to think about getting involved with someone: I'll just end up hurting them. By staying single, at least the only person I'm hurting is myself. I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?
*sits against wall with chin in palms*
It's not fair. Why must my brain be so fucked up?
I'm kind of jealous of the majority of my friends who all seem to be happily shacked-up/married/affianced.
I just feel like I've been left behind here, and that I'm spending more and more time alone. I don't mind being alone, in fact I rather enjoy my "me" time, but I don't *always* want to be alone, and I can't always spend time with my friends without feeling like the proverbial third wheel.
Then there's that nagging feeling of guilt that's still here, after all this time. I still feel guilty for wanting anything for myself after I broke off my relationship with Poms. I know it's completely irrational, but every time I even contemplate the idea of picking up and moving on (at least in my romantic life), something weird happens in my mind which tells me that I don't deserve to what I want.
If I could destroy such a nice guy, if I'm so anti–committment right now, why should I even contemplate having a relationship with someone else? I'm obviously too selfish and self–centered to think about getting involved with someone: I'll just end up hurting them. By staying single, at least the only person I'm hurting is myself. I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?
*sits against wall with chin in palms*
It's not fair. Why must my brain be so fucked up?
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 03:03 pm (UTC)Sometimes people help you heal. You are not a god of destructive force. Have a little faith in people, and look for strength, in yourself and others.
In spite of that rather high-handed advice, i understand. Very much.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 03:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 04:07 pm (UTC)Just a quick point: "I nearly drove my first SO to suicide, and that was when I was trying to be *nice*. What's going to happen the next time I try?"
This is *so* not what happened, although it's what he'd like you to believe. Try this on for size:
"My ex decided to threaten suicide as a form of emotional blackmail, since he knew I was already feeling undeservedly guilty about choosing my own happiness over putting up with his constant bullshit. This proved that he was a dick who didn't really care about me and my well-being."
Not all relationships have to be earth-shattering forever-romances. There are plenty of women out there just looking for someone to go out with, spend time with, relax around. I know - I did that myself for a while. :) Casual dating is a Good Thing, and as long as you communicate what your desires are -
("I'm looking for something casual right now, since I don't have the time/energy/inclination for a full-bore True Love at the moment. Wanna grab coffee and fool around?")
- you'll be fine. :)
I'm out of town this weekend, but around tonight and tomorrow night. Gimme a call if you want.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-27 06:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 04:32 pm (UTC)Most people you'll encounter in your dating life will be much more resilent to your powers of destruction, trust me. ;)
Shutting yourself off from potential partners (life- or fun-) because you're afraid of hurting them is just plain Not A Good Idea. Wanting to be with someone is perfectly normal, and if you feel that way, just imagine how many other girls feel exactly the same as you.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-27 07:42 am (UTC)You're bound to find someone sooner or later, "when the time is right" ... which will be infinitely more fulfilling than "settling" for someone with whom you're not terrifically compatible just to fill the void.
Not to say that a little meaningless "void filling" doesn't have its uses.
Oh dear. I've descended into juvenile sexual allusions. Apologies.
Be well.
I know what you mean.
Date: 2003-03-30 01:54 pm (UTC)Don't feel selfish for wanting to date, as long as your honest with whoever your with, then its ok.
Xyphy