Bah...

[mousme]

Irony of ironies: I think I'm getting sick. Have an insomnia-and-stress-induced migraine now, and my throat is really really sore.

Someone (I don't remember who, to be honest) told me a while back (must have been shortly before Christmas) that I really ought to stop whining so much in my LiveJournal. While the reasonable reaction would be to tell them (whoever they are, when my brain decides to let me remember) to shove their opinion where the sun don't shine, I have a sneaking suspicion that they're kind of right. No one really wants to hear my self-pitying moaning, and the only reason I post it here is to have people (virtually) pat me on the head and go "Poor Phnee, we love you anyway."

So, I'm still going to post it, but I will at least put it behind a cut, so that whoever it was who spoke to me can feel vindicated. Actually, I really wish I could remember who it was: it would help me a little in determining whether or not their opinion is worth keeping.

Without further ado:

I suck.

No, not in a complete, existential kind of way. I just suck today. I was supposed to have lunch with a friend of mine who went out of her way to reschedule stuff for me so we could have lunch. What happened instead was that I fell asleep at 4am and only woke up twenty minutes past the time we were supposed to meet. Given that she only has an hour for lunch, well, we had to cancel by the time I finally got in touch with her.

I was really looking forward to that lunch too. So not only did I waste her time, I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to talk with her and spend time with her. All because I was too stressed out because of my fucking craptacular job to sleep until 4am. You'd think I would at least have heard my alarm clock (which I'd set, incidentally, because I wanted to surprise my parents for breakfast —that didn't happen either, needless to say).

(Random note: you know you're having a bad day when you read a LiveJournal entry that normally would have you smiling and thinking "Hey, me too! That's great!" and instead all you can think is "Fuck I wish they'd just shut up!!" only to realise that you're just jealous of them because something happy and positive is going on in their head that you once experienced and are now convinced will never happen to you again. End random note)

So instead I went to see my mother and sobbed on her shoulder for a couple of hours. That's the nice thing about my mother: when I'm upset she's always on my side. So she fed me oranges and cream of wheat and bacon and commiserated with me and told me that my bosses were horrible horrible people and that it was only because I was better than they were that I didn't fit in at work. She's nice that way.

Went to meet the Paternal Unit at work, for several reasons. The first was that my mother was going out tonight with friends and we thought it would be fun for me to go to a restaurant with my father. The second was that I needed to buy a cable to connect my printer to my computer, as my original cable was attached to my laptop when it was stolen. Fucking robbers: they cost me yet another fifteen dollars or so today. My father also needed help with a proposal for a colloquium coming up: he had written it in French and was now stuck because it was supposed to be in English and he couldn't really translate it. I'm not surprised: the French was so dense he couldn't even re-read it himself. I had to sit down with him and ask him to tell me what he wanted to say in his own words and then I re-wrote it entirely and directly in English.

He took me to a nice restaurant where I had a not-too-shabby "bavette aux échalottes" and a crème caramel for dessert. We discussed (or rather, he pontificated and I tried not to be too defensive) about my future employment possibilities. I'm not going to go into detail here, but suffice it to say that half of the conversation was useful and the other half I spent trying not to strangle him with his dinner napkin. I love my father, but he really knows how to push all my buttons, namely by treating me as though I were an incompetent half-wit. I guess it's par for the course when your father is a genius (I'm not being sarcastic: my father is one of the leading thinkers in his field. *sigh*).

For various complicated reasons (most of them involving parking and my having to be downtown tomorrow morning instead of elsewhere) I left my car at my parents' apartment in their spare garage and he dropped me off at home in the new Brunellemobile. For those of you unfamiliar with that term, it's applied to the various clunkers that my father tries to pass off as cars. The last one was a 1986 Chevrolet station wagon that died last summer after a long and painful struggle with old age and my father's stubbornness. The new one is a pretty hideous 1991 Chrysler Dynasty which seems to have similar problems to the Chevrolet except that it's not a huge pile of rust and the gear box doesn't threaten to fall in the street every time you switch gears.

So here I am, about an hour or so later, sitting in front of my computer when in reality I should probably be in bed staring at the ceiling and trying to sleep. Or at least performing my usual trick of lying in the dark with my eyes closed and pretending that it's 75% as effective as sleep.

Been on the verge of tears all day, mostly because I'm overtired and feeling sick and stressed. Missing lunch did nothing to help my morale (and I didn't try the CogBeh exercises because I felt I damned well ought to feel guilty about it. I'm also trying very hard not to quit my job yesterday instead of in two weeks to a month. I'm thinking of toughing it out until the second week of March, as my paid vacation is in theory the first week of March. That way I would at least get a break between jobs. I'm not sure.

I'm just vaguely at a loss these days. Feel like crap, yet am not depressed. Or at least, not depressed the way I used to be. Can depression feel different under various circumstances? I know that the anxiety disorder is alive and kicking (the insomnia and numerous panic attacks bear witness to that), but I just don't know about the rest of it.

I can't think straight anymore. Haven't been thinking straight since the beginning of January, when the damned insomnia started again.

Holy fuck. I'm such an idiot. *the lights go on, the Heavens part, the Heavenly Chorus points and mocks* Not depression. I'm actually hypo-manic. Yay bi-polar disorder. I'm just cranky and hypo-manic, as opposed to feeling good. Shit. Well, this doesn't bode well.

I'm still going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. Hah. *pouts like petulant spoiled brat*

*looks around*

Okay, that didn't work as well as I originally thought it would.

I wish I could take myself seriously. It makes it exceedingly difficult to wallow properly. Instead all I can do is think of how stupid I look to myself, sitting here and feeling sorry for myself for no particular reason other than I might lose my job and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in nearly three weeks. I'm getting off pretty lucky compared to most.

*curls up in a ball and sticks thumb in mouth*

Comments

[meallanmouse.livejournal.com]

:: pokle ::

Y!M is screwing us over I think. Been pinging you for an hour now?

:: pokles more ::