Another day beckons

[mousme]

Travelling lady stay awhile
Until the night is over
I'm just a station on your way
I know I am not your lover

Well I lived with a child of snow
When I was a soldier
And I fought every man for her
Until the nights grew colder

She used to wear her hair like you
Except when she was sleeping
And then she'd weave it on a loom
Of smoke, and gold, and breathing


Had this song in my head for a few days now. It always reminds me of winter in Canada for some reason, and a little bit of myself. The child of snow part, not the travelling lady.

Had a really weird dream last night. Those of you who are squeamish may not want to read it, as it was a nightmare and pretty damned gruesome at that.

I was having an argument with my parents. Don't remember what about. It was really violent, though, and I began to cry really hard. Without thinking twice about it I reached over to a nearby sink and pulled out a very intricate-looking razor blade and began cutting at my face, right in front of them. My father asked me what I was doing, and I replied: "I'm cutting myself." He didn't understand, didn't try to stop me. He just said: "I don't think that's very effective as a beauty treatment."

So I just kept going. As hard as I could, cutting deeper and deeper. But no matter how hard I tried, the cuts kept healing and leaving no trace behind. I tried with my arms, ripping them open almost to the bone, and there too the cuts just joined together again. I felt no pain, no release, no nothing.

And my parents didn't care.

That's when I woke up. Not sure what to make of that dream. It was scary and far too close to reality for my liking. I have cut my face before, in times of major stress, though not as badly as in my dream. My parents didn't notice when I did, but then I took pains to hide it. I don't think anyone noticed those cuts, or if they did they were *super* discreet about them.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm not actually feeling bad. That dream just shook me up a bit. I even posted to the PBeM, and am feeling okay.

Have to get going now. More later, I suspect.

Comments

Nightmares where things (weapons) don't work...

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

...I had a lot of those over the years (although the target was never myself). Most of the time the weapons were firearms, and whatever I was shooting at would shrug it off, Or I'd miss, or the weapon would simply transmute into something completely unworkable (I tend to remain actively critical or nit-picky in dreams, and if something in my dream has an unworkable feed system and the receiver is made out of denim with a beige zipper just like the pencil case I had in grade three, it will not function properly).

I've been getting them less and less, however (and often as not, when I do get them, the gun works). I think that they're something to do with learned helplessness; that in situations where you can't win (such as living with demanding parents such as yours, or insane and violent ones such as my beloved maternal unit), the slashing yourself or shooting whoever will not work because you've learned that whatever you try to do to fix the unpleasant situation the dream is about (i.e. parents), you get nowhere.

So basically, the best solution IMHO is to get the hell out of home, start making some money, start doing what you like to do whenever you want to do it without having to put up with parental interference or disapproval, and live your own life as you see fit and don't take any crap for it. Remove yourself from the source of your unhappiness and the unhappiness will cease.

And start working on cutting *other* people up in dreams :). It occurs to me (and I am far from knowing what I talk about here so correct me if I'm wrong) that the self-injury thing might be a result of female children in this culture being conditioned to not act out, to bottle stuff in, to not self-assert, and to be quiet and well-behaved. Those are not good things (the opposite is quite obnoxious, but there's a balance to be struck). Dr. Fearsclave recommends a heavy course of aggression therapy for you, young lady. Buy yourself a pair of good solid stomping boots (Doc Martens might do), some evil-looking black fatigues, a mask that makes you look like Darth Vader's kid sister, and a really pretty paintball gun that makes everyone jealous, and come vent some frustrations with Project Mayhem..:)

Off to walk the FLB before an accident happens :)

Re: Nightmares where things (weapons) don't work...

[meallanmouse.livejournal.com]

*wishes she had more to say but frankly...*

*points at D*

What he said! Makes a lot of sense, though I think he's just trying to subvert you to PB in the end there. ;)

*hug*