Like the Hindenburg, only quieter

Just crashed and burned, massively.

Am inexplicably drained. Don't know why, but I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know why I seem to be unable to cope with everyday life: if billions of other people can do it, why can't I? It can't be that difficult, or else the entire world population would commit suicide eventually.

So what is it about my psychological make-up that makes me less resilient?

More to the point, I'd like to have a higher purpose in life. I'd like to know that I'll make a difference to someone other than myself. Because, as much as pop-psychology tells me otherwise, I'm just not enough of a reason to justify my own existence. I wonder if it's selfish of me to want that. Maybe I just want to help other people so I can pat myself on the back and tell myself that I am, indeed, a worthwhile person in spite of my doubts and other people's condemnation.

I feel useless. Not that I can't be useful, because I have been in the past and I know I could be, but right now all I'm doing is preying on people in the service of those who came up with the idea of preying on people to begin with. How can I respect myself when I know that? How am I supposed to look myself in the face every morning when I stare into the mirror?

Somewhere along the line I flushed my integrity and my dignity down the toilet. I'm nothing but a debased shell of the potential I once had.

Self-indulgent? Moi?

Let's have a go at this meme, then.

1. What do you call me?
2. What song makes you think of me, and why?
3. If you could give me one present, what would it be?
4. What one thing/event do you associate with me?
5. How well do you think you know me?

La goutte d'eau qui a mis le feu aux poudres...

That's it.

It's too much. For whatever reason I'm not having a good day, reading that on top of it all is too much. I'm going to go off, curl up on my bed, hug the nearest cat and cry. I can't deal with that, not today. Not even on a good day. It's just too much.

I can't take it back. I can't make it stop hurting for him. I can't go back in time and fix it all. If I could I'd erase the whole episode. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was full of shit. It depends on the situation, and it certainly doesn't apply to this one.

I hate this. I hate myself. I hate myself for being such a lousy piece of shit who can't even love anyone else properly. I don't think I've ever really loved someone in that way. I love my parents, I love my friends, but I can't bring myself to feel that very *different* kind of love that everyone else seems to be able to find at one point or another.

And so all I end up doing is hurting people. No matter how hard I try, I always end up hurting them.

God, I try so hard... and it's never enough.

Slightly less depressing post :)

Well, this evening was lots of fun. Quintillianus is forging ahead in his quest to win Lanwenn's hand, Tryggvi now has command of the late Recared's troops, and Adoración is well on her way to looking extremely good in everyone's eyes. Heh. :)

curtana and forthright also pointed out to me something which I knew but somehow hadn't considered in its more practical applications: I can use the LJ friends filter both ways. i.e., I can use it to prevent people from reading my posts, yes, but I can also use it to ignore the LJs I don't want to read!

It had quite simply never occured to me to use this nifty feature. So now I don't have to create a big stink by unfriending someone, I can simply ignore them in total bliss. :)

Hah!

Oh, and don't worry: if you're seeing this, it's because I have no intention of ignoring you. ;)

:::ETA::: In fact, this entry is now public, as I rarely use filters at all now, except for filters for people who have *asked* not to hear about specific topics.