Jul. 10th, 2002

mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I think I have my numbering straight. It's not like I can't come back and edit this entry later.

Oh, man... There's a lot to talk about for this weekend...

Where last I left off, I believe it was Saturday night, and we were all sore and tired and crashed massively, after being bitten by what must have been a squadron of mosquitoes.

I awoke around 5am with the nagging thought in my mind: "Wasn't I supposed to go fishing with Darroch?" until I remembered that Fearsclave had suggested 5:45 as a more decent hour to arise. I crashed for another 45 minutes, then headed out when Fearsclave came to wake me.

Dressing rapidly, I tiptoed past the sleeping bodies in the living room, waking them all up in the process as the floors creaked under me (Stealthwoman I am not).

I joined Fearsclave outside, who was already baiting hooks and declared in a cheerful but tired tone that he felt like crap warmed over. Apparently he's no longer at the age when he can just shrug off an entire day's worth of paintball.

I on the other hand was surprisngly unsore. In retrospect, I suspect that spending a lot of time swimming after the vigorous excercise had a lot to do with it.

I managed to clamber into Fearsclave's green canoe A) without capsising it, B) without stepping on a baited hook, so I considered embarcation a complete success.

We paddled out onto the lake, where the morning mist had already been burned away by the rising sun. The air was fresh but still warm enough that it wasn't finger-numbing to be out on the lake. Unfortunately my first catch of the day happened to be the bottom of the lake, which IIRC cost Fearsclave a hook. There was a great deal of manoevering the canoe so I wouldn't break the fishing rod against the canoe.

On the plus side, my second catch was a 10 1/2 inch trout which Fearsclave helped me land and put on a stringer off the side of the canoe.

After that between Fearsclave and me we caught about ten catfish which we released because they weren't what we were after. It appeared that the trout had already had their morning feed and were no longer enticed by our worms.

The day was announcing itself to be spectacular in a weird way. The sky was completely overcast by a grey film of clouds (likely the result of the forest fire in James Bay of which we were yet unaware), and we could see the orange disk of the sun glowing faintly through it, as though it was trying to break through a giant filter. Looking in the water it looked as though we were being followed by a small orange ball, or maybe a bottle cap, as it seemed as though the sun wasn't giving off any rays at all (which obviously wasn't the case).

We circled the lake a few times (not the whole lake, but a goodly portion), invesigated some people in a rowboat and ascertained that Fearsclave didn't know them. Had interesting conversation about how people stock lakes and such with trout and other fish, what measures are taken to control "undesirable" fish populations, and such, in which Fearsclave did a whole lot more talking than I did as I know nothing about that kind of thing, but it was very enlightening.

We beached the canoe at about eight thirty, and thwacked my trout upside the head to kill him so he wouldn't choke to death instead. I then stomped inside and brandished him proudly at everyone in the shack. Sadly only April was awake, but she made suitably approving noises and then went back to sleep. Fearsclave fried my fish in lemon and butter, and I had the most heavenly breakfast in the screened-in porch while poor Fearsclave practically passed out at the table in front of me.

Eventually everyone else roused themselves in various stages of awakening (Poms last, although he did seem better-rested and more himself by then). MIke and Marc had already departed around eight o'clock or so, as Marc had to pick up his daughter and Mike volunteered to go back to town with him, so we were down to seven instead of nine.

Given that I'd only caught the one trout, we concluded there wasn't enough breakfast for everyone (and I was still starving) so we piled into the cars once more and headed off to Kenny's for breakfast. In spite of really slow service at the restaurant we did manage to have a very hearty breakfast which mostly involved a lot of cholesterol, and chatted merrily away, mostly about the preceding day's activities, but also about various plays we'd seen, cartoons, movies, and any number of other activities gamers and paintballers generally engage in.

Fernando departed for Montreal shortly after breakfast, which left Fearsclave, Anthony, April, Patrice, Daniel and me. In the car on the way back to the Shack April began telling us about her Mage campaign (in which Fearsclave has participated for going on four or five years now), and after I joked that I really had to sit in on one of those sessions I suddenly found myself playing an NPC for that evening.

Well, I wasn't about to object. I'd heard so many fabulous things about her games that I pounced on the opportunity. She told me I'd be playing the Jack of a fae court, sort of like a court Jester and keeper of the fae country's luck. I began plotting immediately. ;)

We returned to the Shack, and I went for a short paddle in the canoe with April. Once we returned we plunged into the water which was colder than the day before and went for a swim. We stood up to our necks in water on the rocks in the lake, chatted and joked, and finally went inside to dry off and help clean up the disaster we'd left inside.

It took a while, but by the end everything was packed, cleaned and organised, and with great reluctance we left the Shack all by itself.

I rode in the car with Patrice and April in order to further plot for her game, in which I came up with my character: Jacqueline Reep, (after Reepicheep the Talking Mouse in The Chronicles of Narnia. She's a foot tall, carries a rapier with a rose-shaped hilt, and has a bad Irish accent.

We picked up Anik, I fondled their cat, Minette, and we headed off again to their friend Nico's place for the game. When we arrived there was a trio of screeching little girls around the age of seven or so, I guessed, which was unfortunate as I have little affinity for anything under the age of sixteen. They romped on the carpet with April and Anik and a bit with Nico until their mother threw them out to go play on the lawn.

April and I wandered to a Lebanese take-out restaurant with Nico, and I ordered a Shish-Taouk which turned out to be quite good, although it had a sauce in it to which I wasn't accustomed.

The little girl living with Nico (her mother hadn't found an apartment yet in Montreal) had a lovely golden hamster which of course I fell in love with right away and proceeded to fondle unrepentantly for a while while we waited for Dave, the last player, to arrive.

When we were all gathered together, the game finally got started. I left the hamster alone, we kibbitzed for a while, and finally the wedding ceremony for three of the players began. Yep, three of them were marrying their related NPCs at the Seely Court (fairies), and everything went all to Hell after that.

I had a blast. I got to put on a terrible Irish accent, helped April in describing all sorts of weird creatures belonging to the faery realm, mocked Fearsclave when he zotted himself with his own lightning bolt, and generally had fun at the players' expense.

As Fearsclave put it: "It's not so much the pain as the déjà vu..."

We finished far too late, but luckily I got a lift from Fearsclave to Atwater metro, and got home only around half past midnight. Chatted with Firewillow, joined that Reparo thingie she's been going on about, which I'll admit is pretty fun so far. Stayed up until almost 3am with cats clinging like limpets, then slept until 5am when cats tried to bite off my nose, got up around 9am or so and took a looooooong bath, as opposed to the minor ablutions I'd done the night before.

God, it's nice to feel clean again!

That concludes my Sunday. More later. :)
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I think I have my numbering straight. It's not like I can't come back and edit this entry later.

Oh, man... There's a lot to talk about for this weekend...

Where last I left off, I believe it was Saturday night, and we were all sore and tired and crashed massively, after being bitten by what must have been a squadron of mosquitoes.

I awoke around 5am with the nagging thought in my mind: "Wasn't I supposed to go fishing with Darroch?" until I remembered that Fearsclave had suggested 5:45 as a more decent hour to arise. I crashed for another 45 minutes, then headed out when Fearsclave came to wake me.

Dressing rapidly, I tiptoed past the sleeping bodies in the living room, waking them all up in the process as the floors creaked under me (Stealthwoman I am not).

I joined Fearsclave outside, who was already baiting hooks and declared in a cheerful but tired tone that he felt like crap warmed over. Apparently he's no longer at the age when he can just shrug off an entire day's worth of paintball.

I on the other hand was surprisngly unsore. In retrospect, I suspect that spending a lot of time swimming after the vigorous excercise had a lot to do with it.

I managed to clamber into Fearsclave's green canoe A) without capsising it, B) without stepping on a baited hook, so I considered embarcation a complete success.

We paddled out onto the lake, where the morning mist had already been burned away by the rising sun. The air was fresh but still warm enough that it wasn't finger-numbing to be out on the lake. Unfortunately my first catch of the day happened to be the bottom of the lake, which IIRC cost Fearsclave a hook. There was a great deal of manoevering the canoe so I wouldn't break the fishing rod against the canoe.

On the plus side, my second catch was a 10 1/2 inch trout which Fearsclave helped me land and put on a stringer off the side of the canoe.

After that between Fearsclave and me we caught about ten catfish which we released because they weren't what we were after. It appeared that the trout had already had their morning feed and were no longer enticed by our worms.

The day was announcing itself to be spectacular in a weird way. The sky was completely overcast by a grey film of clouds (likely the result of the forest fire in James Bay of which we were yet unaware), and we could see the orange disk of the sun glowing faintly through it, as though it was trying to break through a giant filter. Looking in the water it looked as though we were being followed by a small orange ball, or maybe a bottle cap, as it seemed as though the sun wasn't giving off any rays at all (which obviously wasn't the case).

We circled the lake a few times (not the whole lake, but a goodly portion), invesigated some people in a rowboat and ascertained that Fearsclave didn't know them. Had interesting conversation about how people stock lakes and such with trout and other fish, what measures are taken to control "undesirable" fish populations, and such, in which Fearsclave did a whole lot more talking than I did as I know nothing about that kind of thing, but it was very enlightening.

We beached the canoe at about eight thirty, and thwacked my trout upside the head to kill him so he wouldn't choke to death instead. I then stomped inside and brandished him proudly at everyone in the shack. Sadly only April was awake, but she made suitably approving noises and then went back to sleep. Fearsclave fried my fish in lemon and butter, and I had the most heavenly breakfast in the screened-in porch while poor Fearsclave practically passed out at the table in front of me.

Eventually everyone else roused themselves in various stages of awakening (Poms last, although he did seem better-rested and more himself by then). MIke and Marc had already departed around eight o'clock or so, as Marc had to pick up his daughter and Mike volunteered to go back to town with him, so we were down to seven instead of nine.

Given that I'd only caught the one trout, we concluded there wasn't enough breakfast for everyone (and I was still starving) so we piled into the cars once more and headed off to Kenny's for breakfast. In spite of really slow service at the restaurant we did manage to have a very hearty breakfast which mostly involved a lot of cholesterol, and chatted merrily away, mostly about the preceding day's activities, but also about various plays we'd seen, cartoons, movies, and any number of other activities gamers and paintballers generally engage in.

Fernando departed for Montreal shortly after breakfast, which left Fearsclave, Anthony, April, Patrice, Daniel and me. In the car on the way back to the Shack April began telling us about her Mage campaign (in which Fearsclave has participated for going on four or five years now), and after I joked that I really had to sit in on one of those sessions I suddenly found myself playing an NPC for that evening.

Well, I wasn't about to object. I'd heard so many fabulous things about her games that I pounced on the opportunity. She told me I'd be playing the Jack of a fae court, sort of like a court Jester and keeper of the fae country's luck. I began plotting immediately. ;)

We returned to the Shack, and I went for a short paddle in the canoe with April. Once we returned we plunged into the water which was colder than the day before and went for a swim. We stood up to our necks in water on the rocks in the lake, chatted and joked, and finally went inside to dry off and help clean up the disaster we'd left inside.

It took a while, but by the end everything was packed, cleaned and organised, and with great reluctance we left the Shack all by itself.

I rode in the car with Patrice and April in order to further plot for her game, in which I came up with my character: Jacqueline Reep, (after Reepicheep the Talking Mouse in The Chronicles of Narnia. She's a foot tall, carries a rapier with a rose-shaped hilt, and has a bad Irish accent.

We picked up Anik, I fondled their cat, Minette, and we headed off again to their friend Nico's place for the game. When we arrived there was a trio of screeching little girls around the age of seven or so, I guessed, which was unfortunate as I have little affinity for anything under the age of sixteen. They romped on the carpet with April and Anik and a bit with Nico until their mother threw them out to go play on the lawn.

April and I wandered to a Lebanese take-out restaurant with Nico, and I ordered a Shish-Taouk which turned out to be quite good, although it had a sauce in it to which I wasn't accustomed.

The little girl living with Nico (her mother hadn't found an apartment yet in Montreal) had a lovely golden hamster which of course I fell in love with right away and proceeded to fondle unrepentantly for a while while we waited for Dave, the last player, to arrive.

When we were all gathered together, the game finally got started. I left the hamster alone, we kibbitzed for a while, and finally the wedding ceremony for three of the players began. Yep, three of them were marrying their related NPCs at the Seely Court (fairies), and everything went all to Hell after that.

I had a blast. I got to put on a terrible Irish accent, helped April in describing all sorts of weird creatures belonging to the faery realm, mocked Fearsclave when he zotted himself with his own lightning bolt, and generally had fun at the players' expense.

As Fearsclave put it: "It's not so much the pain as the déjà vu..."

We finished far too late, but luckily I got a lift from Fearsclave to Atwater metro, and got home only around half past midnight. Chatted with Firewillow, joined that Reparo thingie she's been going on about, which I'll admit is pretty fun so far. Stayed up until almost 3am with cats clinging like limpets, then slept until 5am when cats tried to bite off my nose, got up around 9am or so and took a looooooong bath, as opposed to the minor ablutions I'd done the night before.

God, it's nice to feel clean again!

That concludes my Sunday. More later. :)
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
This isn't an update so much as a stream-of-consciousness kind of reflection on the past few days for my own benefit. Feel free to skip this, it's not really interesting, but I'm feeling too lazy to put this private or whatever. It's not even racy enough to do that. ;)


Had a long, fun-packed weekend. It also made me realise any number of things about my life and myself in general.

1- I'm woefully out of shape. Granted, I knew that before, but running about non stop for five hours really demonstrated to me that I live a truly sedentary lifestyle and basically do nothing to help myself be healthy and active.

So, here's me resolving to get into better shape. I'm going to investigate places to work out that aren't too far away from my apartment (ie, downtown and closer) and that aren't too expensive.

Mens sana in corpore sano as they say, and that's the plan. I figure the mental health won't suffer if the physical health improves, right?

I needed that break from the city. It occurred to me that I hadn't left Montreal since August of last year, and that was for a week in PEI. I remember that that trip also did me a world of good, and probably is the reason I didn't suffer as much from the depression until I got back to McGill and things started turning sour again.

I had forgotten how wonderful and restful the country is, even with Mike in the background and surrounded by eight people only two of whom I know well enough to be comfortable with (relatively speaking).

Every time I dove in the lake it felt as though I were sluicing years of dirt off my soul. Of course it didn't last when I got back to Montreal, but it felt good while it lasted. I figure a month in the country would probably have a more lasting effect.


Also, and I suppose this is the first time I'll be "coming out" with this publicly, I was reminded very strongly, as I always am when I'm in the country, of my own closeness with God and His creation. I know I've never come off as being a highly religious person, especially as I don't practise, but I've been preoccupied with the subject of my own faith for quite a while now. My ongoing struggle with depression and (several) failed suicide attempts only served to reinforce this feeling that I'm being untrue to my faith, and I intend to do something about it.

It might just be my luck that you can't spit in Verdun without hitting a church, so I may wander by St. Mary's one of these Sundays and renew my ties with the Catholic Church. I've felt rather as though I've strayed from the path, and with the right shepherd I figure I may well come back into the fold. (Man, that was a mangled metaphor)

Along the lines of more soul-searching:

I had my first "real" cognitive therapy appointment yesterday, and damn was it intense. Epiphany, I guess.

For the first time I said aloud what had always been my silent inner conviction: that the real me is a small, pathetic, ineffective and rather uninteresting thing. I spend most of my life pretending to be someone I'm not, because the real me is so damned awful that no one would ever even consider being her friend, or loving her or accepting her.

I'm not really a real person, you see. Just a figment of my own imagination. When I'm alone, on the street or in a public place, no one notices me. They walk right through me. I've noticed this on many occasions, so I figure it can't be my imagination. If I'm not talking as loud as I can and making signs so people see me, no one even hears what I'm saying. It's not that they're not listening -they just don't hear me because I'm not really there. I haven't really said anything.

My words are always empty, hollow, nothing. It's only when I try really hard to imbue them with something that they gain some tangible quality.

It's why I'm always so terrified in social situations, so afraid of new people. I've spent all my life pretending to be a real person, and every new person I meet could potentially reveal me as a complete fraud, and then no one would want to stay with me and I'd be all alone. Every additional person in a social situation is one more person I have to act for, one more potential person who might see through my act and reveal the Nothing that I really am.

In The Neverending Story, The Nothing is a force that destroys worlds when people cease believing in them. It's described as a spot in reality where it seems as though you've gone blind. I suppose I'm something like that. The only reason I reflect light is because I make an effort to. Otherwise I'd be completely invisible, a blind spot in people's vision.

It always makes me laugh when people say I'm such a great person and that I'm silly to talk like that. They have no idea that they're not talking to a real person. They're just talking to the painted paper mask I've put up pretending to be a person. If they'd just put out their hands they could tear the fragile façade apart, they just never do.

Anyway, it wasn't a very happy session, and I felt it all day. Luckily work was busy so I didn't have time to brood on it much, but when I got home I was in tears. I hugged my cats, which helped and prevented me from carving something I'd have to explain at work the next day into my arm or my leg, and I avoided swallowing the rest of my pills and getting it over with. I figure that's a step forward.

I'm not sure that I liked admitting aloud that I'm not a real person. It felt pretty damned horrible, and now that the truth is out I'm pretty sure people will learn to see through my thin costume and will slowly but surely cut me out of their lives.

Not that I don't deserve it, of course, but it would still hurt more than I could bear. Not to mention that if they did stick around I could never be entirely sure if they weren't doing it out of pity. Isn't that a great double-bind?

I've tried so long and so hard to be what other people want. I'm just tired now. I want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up.

Of course, that's just the tired, depressive thoughts talking. The real me. The fake me is still raring to go. Mostly I don't understand her. She's so damned intelligent and sure of herself and witty and accomplished. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to fit into that picture, and I'm pretty sure she hates me. In fact, I know she hates me, because I'm her and she's me.

Fuck.

I'm depressing myself now, and I still have another hour at work. I'd better stop before I burst into tears on the phone with a client. That would be embarassing...
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
This isn't an update so much as a stream-of-consciousness kind of reflection on the past few days for my own benefit. Feel free to skip this, it's not really interesting, but I'm feeling too lazy to put this private or whatever. It's not even racy enough to do that. ;)


Had a long, fun-packed weekend. It also made me realise any number of things about my life and myself in general.

1- I'm woefully out of shape. Granted, I knew that before, but running about non stop for five hours really demonstrated to me that I live a truly sedentary lifestyle and basically do nothing to help myself be healthy and active.

So, here's me resolving to get into better shape. I'm going to investigate places to work out that aren't too far away from my apartment (ie, downtown and closer) and that aren't too expensive.

Mens sana in corpore sano as they say, and that's the plan. I figure the mental health won't suffer if the physical health improves, right?

I needed that break from the city. It occurred to me that I hadn't left Montreal since August of last year, and that was for a week in PEI. I remember that that trip also did me a world of good, and probably is the reason I didn't suffer as much from the depression until I got back to McGill and things started turning sour again.

I had forgotten how wonderful and restful the country is, even with Mike in the background and surrounded by eight people only two of whom I know well enough to be comfortable with (relatively speaking).

Every time I dove in the lake it felt as though I were sluicing years of dirt off my soul. Of course it didn't last when I got back to Montreal, but it felt good while it lasted. I figure a month in the country would probably have a more lasting effect.


Also, and I suppose this is the first time I'll be "coming out" with this publicly, I was reminded very strongly, as I always am when I'm in the country, of my own closeness with God and His creation. I know I've never come off as being a highly religious person, especially as I don't practise, but I've been preoccupied with the subject of my own faith for quite a while now. My ongoing struggle with depression and (several) failed suicide attempts only served to reinforce this feeling that I'm being untrue to my faith, and I intend to do something about it.

It might just be my luck that you can't spit in Verdun without hitting a church, so I may wander by St. Mary's one of these Sundays and renew my ties with the Catholic Church. I've felt rather as though I've strayed from the path, and with the right shepherd I figure I may well come back into the fold. (Man, that was a mangled metaphor)

Along the lines of more soul-searching:

I had my first "real" cognitive therapy appointment yesterday, and damn was it intense. Epiphany, I guess.

For the first time I said aloud what had always been my silent inner conviction: that the real me is a small, pathetic, ineffective and rather uninteresting thing. I spend most of my life pretending to be someone I'm not, because the real me is so damned awful that no one would ever even consider being her friend, or loving her or accepting her.

I'm not really a real person, you see. Just a figment of my own imagination. When I'm alone, on the street or in a public place, no one notices me. They walk right through me. I've noticed this on many occasions, so I figure it can't be my imagination. If I'm not talking as loud as I can and making signs so people see me, no one even hears what I'm saying. It's not that they're not listening -they just don't hear me because I'm not really there. I haven't really said anything.

My words are always empty, hollow, nothing. It's only when I try really hard to imbue them with something that they gain some tangible quality.

It's why I'm always so terrified in social situations, so afraid of new people. I've spent all my life pretending to be a real person, and every new person I meet could potentially reveal me as a complete fraud, and then no one would want to stay with me and I'd be all alone. Every additional person in a social situation is one more person I have to act for, one more potential person who might see through my act and reveal the Nothing that I really am.

In The Neverending Story, The Nothing is a force that destroys worlds when people cease believing in them. It's described as a spot in reality where it seems as though you've gone blind. I suppose I'm something like that. The only reason I reflect light is because I make an effort to. Otherwise I'd be completely invisible, a blind spot in people's vision.

It always makes me laugh when people say I'm such a great person and that I'm silly to talk like that. They have no idea that they're not talking to a real person. They're just talking to the painted paper mask I've put up pretending to be a person. If they'd just put out their hands they could tear the fragile façade apart, they just never do.

Anyway, it wasn't a very happy session, and I felt it all day. Luckily work was busy so I didn't have time to brood on it much, but when I got home I was in tears. I hugged my cats, which helped and prevented me from carving something I'd have to explain at work the next day into my arm or my leg, and I avoided swallowing the rest of my pills and getting it over with. I figure that's a step forward.

I'm not sure that I liked admitting aloud that I'm not a real person. It felt pretty damned horrible, and now that the truth is out I'm pretty sure people will learn to see through my thin costume and will slowly but surely cut me out of their lives.

Not that I don't deserve it, of course, but it would still hurt more than I could bear. Not to mention that if they did stick around I could never be entirely sure if they weren't doing it out of pity. Isn't that a great double-bind?

I've tried so long and so hard to be what other people want. I'm just tired now. I want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up.

Of course, that's just the tired, depressive thoughts talking. The real me. The fake me is still raring to go. Mostly I don't understand her. She's so damned intelligent and sure of herself and witty and accomplished. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to fit into that picture, and I'm pretty sure she hates me. In fact, I know she hates me, because I'm her and she's me.

Fuck.

I'm depressing myself now, and I still have another hour at work. I'd better stop before I burst into tears on the phone with a client. That would be embarassing...
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I was really chatty today!

Sorry for flooding your friends pages, folks. ;)
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I was really chatty today!

Sorry for flooding your friends pages, folks. ;)

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