Return of The Crazy

[mousme]

Ah, off-hours at the RCMP. This was quite possibly the most surreal conversation I've had since speaking with the Queen of the Universe.

Me: "GRC-RCMP Montréal bonjour, good afternoon!"

Male Caller: "Yeah, are you guys going to come help me with my problem, or what?"

Me: "What seems to be the trouble, sir?"

MC: "I keep calling, but no one's coming to arrest these guys?"

Me: "Okay, why don't you tell me what's going on? What's the nature of your complaint?"

MC: "My landlords are growing pot in the other apartments."

Me: "I see. For that you'll have to contact your local police. I can provide you with the number and connect you, if you want."

MC: "No, they don't want to help, they're all in on it together. It's the Russian mob!"

Me: "The Russian mob."

MC: "Yeah. They're forcing the other tenants to move out, but we're not going to be intimidated!"

Me: "I see. If someone is threatening you, that's also the jurisdiction of the local police. I can connect us to them now, and we'll speak to them together."

MC: "They're not threatening us. They're using voodoo to hurt us!"

Me: o_O "Voodoo?"

MC: "Yeah! They're sending electric shocks up through the floors using voodoo!"

Me: ...

MC: "The elderly lady down the hall says she can feel them too. We thought she was nuts but it turns out she's not."

Me: *deadpan* "Well, voodoo certainly doesn't come under the RCMP's jurisdiction. For your other two problems, though, like I said, it'll be your local police."

MC: "They won't help us. We've made dozens of complaints but they say they don't have a record of any of them."

Me: "In that case, I suggest asking for your file number when you make your next complaint."

MC: "No! I want the RCMP to tell them to do their jobs!"

Me: "I'm afraid that's not within our purview. You can, however, go along official channels and make a complaint that they are not following the code of ethics, and that you would like Internal Affairs to investigate. I can provide you with that number as well."

MC: "No, they're all in it together. Why aren't you helping me?"

Me: "I am attempting to help you, sir, by giving you the available options."

MC: "If you won't help me, we're just going to go up there, break down their door, and take care of them ourselves!"

Me: "Sir, I remind you that you're on a recorded line. Uttering threats against your neighbour is a criminal offense, and this could be used as evidence should you choose to follow through on that threat."

MC: "You people are useless! I pay your goddamned salary and I still have to take matters into my own hands. You're telling me I have no choice!"

Me: "Sir, I have given you two perfectly viable options. If you choose neither of those, I can't help you further. But you do have a choice."

MC: "No I don't!" *swears colourfully at me and hangs up*


So, yeah. That was my weekend. Pot-growing, Russian mobster voodoo practitioners of DOOM.

Comments

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I think you got the better deal. ;)