"And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep..."

[mousme]

New earworm, to replace Sheena, at least momentarily.

People in this country have their priorities all screwed up. If my friends weren't all (or almost all) in Montreal, I'd pick up and move to a country where they've never heard of the words "deadline," "rush," or "express."

Seriously. Things have gotten to the point where no one slows down anymore, let alone stops altogether. I don't want to live in a society where my main concerns are how quickly I can move paper from one spot to another. I don't want to worry about messengers, photocopies, and large bank transactions. These are not things worthy of that much expenditure of time and energy. They are, in the grand scheme of things, insignificant.

I find it unutterably sad that the things I love most in life are the things I do least: see my friends, play music, write, make art (however untalented I am, I still enjoy the process) and knit. I want to go watch my friends perform without being exhausted from chasing after paperwork all day. I want to be able to cuddle my cats on a moment's notice, and not have to plan in advance when I'll be able to spend time with them. I want to write when inspiration strikes, and not have to put my ideas on hold until I can get my reports done and my filing put away before getting on the metro and travelling for forty-five minutes in order to get home and then maybe get to my writing if I'm not too tired.

I'm tired and frustrated right now, mostly because I hate having a job that doesn't seem to mean anything. I move papers around, I answer phones, and I help people who already have lots of money to make even more money, and then to spend it again. I routinely see cheques worth $45 million dollars cross my desk, only to be swallowed up in the vast machinery of the bank. The numbers are abstract, theoretical, meaningless. They don't really exist, except that the people around here insist that they do. It's only because peope believe in the money that it exists. If people stopped believing what they read on their computer screens, all that money would go up in smoke. Leprechaun gold, gone with the morning dew.

Nothing I do feels like it has any point at all. I'm not helping people in any way. I'm just part of the rank and file, a faceless minion of a faceless corporation. I'm not paid to think, I'm paid to execute what really amounts to menial administrative tasks, and while I was happy enough doing that in a company where I seemed to be genuinely making a difference for people, in this place it just feels empty, like a hamster running in place on an exercise wheel.

I want my energy to go somewhere else, worthier of everything I have to offer. I know it's ungrateful of me to say so, and I know that this is all my own doing and I have no one to blame but myself, but there you go. I just want to say it once again.

I'm better than this.

Comments

[mousme.livejournal.com]

That's a great link! Thank you!