Is it the weekend yet?
Mar. 24th, 2005 07:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeActually, it is, in my case. I get Friday off, and Monday I return to work. Huzzah. Actually, Monday morning I have a job interview at Mercer something-or-other, to work in their HR department.
This is supposing the Bank doesn't remove its head from its ass in time and hire me on permanently. This temping thing, while it does pay the bills, isn't really enough to keep me going.
Fleh.
I think I'm overtired, or something. I'm not quite cranky, but I found it harder than usual today to put up with people's negativity. I realise some people aren't as into the whole stiff-upper-lip thing, and feel free to voice their criticisms and objections, and hell, I'm nothing if not a complainer myself. But at least I do it with a hefty dose of irony and a sense of my own shortcomings.
So, yeah. It wasn't a bad day. It's been a slow week at work, which is kind of frustrating for me, since I don't have enough to do to occupy my time. My desk is at an intersection between the front entrance and three of the bosses' offices, so I can't read to pass the time, and they look at me funny if I try to get any writing done (no creativity on company time!), so mostly I just have to sit there and try to look like I'm not sitting on my thumbs. Contrary to popular belief (or popular indifference?), I actually like being busy. I dislike being idle at work. Home is an entirely different matter, but being idle at work means I'm bored, and I hate that.
So colour me dissatisfied this week.
I'm at a point where all I'm seeing is this sort of mind-numbing badness for years and years to come, and I'm not thrilled by that prospect in the slightest. I have to make some pretty drastic changes, I think, but that would probably take a lot more guts than I have right now. I'm just really starting to fit back into an ordinary rhythm, and already I'm chomping at the bit, desperate to make changes and at the same time horribly afraid to rock the boat.
I frustrate myself. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then I've set down the building blocks for a speedway.
I haven't been out in the woods since early February. I haven't been line dancing as often as I've wanted to go. I haven't written anything worthwhile since January.
Basically, everything I want to do and ought to make time for, I haven't. Especially now that the two major RPGs in which I was playing have stopped, you'd think that I'd have used the extra time to do all these things that actually motivate me and are fun and pleasant for me to do.
Instead, I'm not sure where all this extra time is going. It's true that, whatever amount of time you have, the time it takes for you to accomplish everything you need to expands in order to fit comfortably in the slot (and sometimes uncomfortably).
I have some serious thinking to do.
I'm twenty-six years old, and I'm nowhere near anywhere I want to be. This isn't terrible, as I think twenty-six is still young enough, but I've always had the (perhaps melodramatic) feeling that I'm not playing with as much time as the vast majority of people. Perhaps this is why I've always tended to overdo things and then burn out. I'm in too much of a hurry because I'm convinced time is going to run out on me. Worth pondering, but not right now.
I have to figure out how to make things work again.
N.B. Okay, I'm well aware this is partly the disthymia talking, and partly the fact that I'm overtired and could use some food right about now. However, there's still an underlying problem that's been worrying at me ever since I got let go at Erb. So obviously I need to work things out in my mind somewhere.
This is where I envy the people who've kept their best friends since high school or before that. They can call those people up late at night and have a crisis phone call and bounce ideas off each other until at least something gets resolved, if only that one of them ends up feeling a bit better for having been listened to.
It's not that I don't adore my friends, but at the same time there's no one to whom I would feel okay spilling all the garbage that floats in my brain all day. No one with whom I've built a ten-year-or-more foundation of trust and tolerance for occasional (or frequent) stupidity.
Then again, maybe I'm just deluding myself about the best-friend myth. It's possible no one trusts any of their friends to that degree.
Pause for melodrama: I've spent too long building the persona I have to strip it away now. More and more I am the persona I project, which is a Good Thing™. I like being that persona. She's a hell of a lot of fun. Every now and then, however, the old me steps back into my shoes, and I can't help but wonder, if I gave her the reins, if anyone would stick around.
Okay, end melodrama. I haven't written anything truly angsty in a long time. I bet you missed that. :P
In conclusion, there's a lot going on inside my head that I don't quite know how to express yet. I may never figure it out. I'll give it a shot, however.
Many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rowen26 for the snazzy icon. :D
This is supposing the Bank doesn't remove its head from its ass in time and hire me on permanently. This temping thing, while it does pay the bills, isn't really enough to keep me going.
Fleh.
I think I'm overtired, or something. I'm not quite cranky, but I found it harder than usual today to put up with people's negativity. I realise some people aren't as into the whole stiff-upper-lip thing, and feel free to voice their criticisms and objections, and hell, I'm nothing if not a complainer myself. But at least I do it with a hefty dose of irony and a sense of my own shortcomings.
So, yeah. It wasn't a bad day. It's been a slow week at work, which is kind of frustrating for me, since I don't have enough to do to occupy my time. My desk is at an intersection between the front entrance and three of the bosses' offices, so I can't read to pass the time, and they look at me funny if I try to get any writing done (no creativity on company time!), so mostly I just have to sit there and try to look like I'm not sitting on my thumbs. Contrary to popular belief (or popular indifference?), I actually like being busy. I dislike being idle at work. Home is an entirely different matter, but being idle at work means I'm bored, and I hate that.
So colour me dissatisfied this week.
I'm at a point where all I'm seeing is this sort of mind-numbing badness for years and years to come, and I'm not thrilled by that prospect in the slightest. I have to make some pretty drastic changes, I think, but that would probably take a lot more guts than I have right now. I'm just really starting to fit back into an ordinary rhythm, and already I'm chomping at the bit, desperate to make changes and at the same time horribly afraid to rock the boat.
I frustrate myself. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then I've set down the building blocks for a speedway.
I haven't been out in the woods since early February. I haven't been line dancing as often as I've wanted to go. I haven't written anything worthwhile since January.
Basically, everything I want to do and ought to make time for, I haven't. Especially now that the two major RPGs in which I was playing have stopped, you'd think that I'd have used the extra time to do all these things that actually motivate me and are fun and pleasant for me to do.
Instead, I'm not sure where all this extra time is going. It's true that, whatever amount of time you have, the time it takes for you to accomplish everything you need to expands in order to fit comfortably in the slot (and sometimes uncomfortably).
I have some serious thinking to do.
I'm twenty-six years old, and I'm nowhere near anywhere I want to be. This isn't terrible, as I think twenty-six is still young enough, but I've always had the (perhaps melodramatic) feeling that I'm not playing with as much time as the vast majority of people. Perhaps this is why I've always tended to overdo things and then burn out. I'm in too much of a hurry because I'm convinced time is going to run out on me. Worth pondering, but not right now.
I have to figure out how to make things work again.
N.B. Okay, I'm well aware this is partly the disthymia talking, and partly the fact that I'm overtired and could use some food right about now. However, there's still an underlying problem that's been worrying at me ever since I got let go at Erb. So obviously I need to work things out in my mind somewhere.
This is where I envy the people who've kept their best friends since high school or before that. They can call those people up late at night and have a crisis phone call and bounce ideas off each other until at least something gets resolved, if only that one of them ends up feeling a bit better for having been listened to.
It's not that I don't adore my friends, but at the same time there's no one to whom I would feel okay spilling all the garbage that floats in my brain all day. No one with whom I've built a ten-year-or-more foundation of trust and tolerance for occasional (or frequent) stupidity.
Then again, maybe I'm just deluding myself about the best-friend myth. It's possible no one trusts any of their friends to that degree.
Pause for melodrama: I've spent too long building the persona I have to strip it away now. More and more I am the persona I project, which is a Good Thing™. I like being that persona. She's a hell of a lot of fun. Every now and then, however, the old me steps back into my shoes, and I can't help but wonder, if I gave her the reins, if anyone would stick around.
Okay, end melodrama. I haven't written anything truly angsty in a long time. I bet you missed that. :P
In conclusion, there's a lot going on inside my head that I don't quite know how to express yet. I may never figure it out. I'll give it a shot, however.
Many thanks to
rowen26 for the snazzy icon. :D![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
hi.
Date: 2005-03-25 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 05:27 pm (UTC)Length of time isn't always a requirement. I know some people who I might do so with (either way) who I haven't know that long. Sometimes some people are the right 'kind' too... I know a lot of people consider me a good listener (and with eyesight like mine, one of my senses has to be decent, right? :)). Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you. I could (and do!) offer to lend you an ear, but it's clear that you don't feel comfortable with that. *shrugs* If you ever change your mind, though, you know how to find me.