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mousmeOkay, this is going to be rambly and disjointed. You have been warned.
I had originally intended to make this a well-organized post with structured paragraphs and everything, but then the weekend ran away from me, and now it's past 9pm on Sunday, and so I'm just going to ramble tiredly. Lord knows, that's how I tend to function most of the time anyway.
So, yeah. Been thinking about how I've been living my life lately (there's a shocker!), and a few clear(ish) thoughts have come out of the whole thing.
Now, I've been avoiding the whole introspection/self-examination thing for a while now. This is not actually a good thing, although it gave me a brief respite from the completely self-defeating pit of self-loathing in which I was so wont to wallow before. Okay, occasionally I still go there, but not nearly so frequently anymore. This is all of the good. I think I may have already briefly touched upon this topic in another post, and since this is not the main purpose of this entry, I'm not going to dwell on it longer than I have to. Suffice it to say, I've been avoiding the whole issue due to a largely-mistaken "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" interpretation of what's been happening to me lately. Problem is, it is broken, just not as visibly broken as when I was alone, jobless, and in serious financial trouble.
Now, however, that I have managed to (mostly) secure gainful employment, and will slowly but surely be clawing my way out of the financial hole that I got myself into way back when, I think it might be time to start the whole process again. In theory I never stopped, but a big part of me knows I've been avoiding probing too far into that capricious little brain of mine. A rather apt metaphor would be to liken it to an wound that's healed over but that one keeps poking at now and then to see if it still hurts.
Wow. I wasn't planning to write about that at all. Bah. Moving on.
So, I was thinking that things have, for the most part, been looking up in my life. I'm seeing more people now than I have in ages, and have renewed my acquaintance with a whole bunch of really amazing people who are possibly the most creatively stimulating people I've met since I met my current lot of friends at McGill.
Still, now that I've started the ball rolling, I've been unable to help but think that I'm not really quite living the life I want to live.
I don't want this to be construed as something very negative. I'm not in a negative mindspace, oddly enough, or at least I don't think so.
What I'm vaguely worried about, is that I'm wasting time. Not in the sense that it's usually understood, I don't think. I'm not convinced that somehow I should have arrived somewhere more significant by now (or maybe I am, but that's fodder for an entirely different post), but rather that I'm spending a lot of time doing things that don't really interest me, or that aren't worth my time.
There are several more important things I could be doing in order to make myself better. I'm also trying to redefine my own views on self-improvement. I don't want this whole process to be a "you suck and thus need to improve," kind of thing, but rather a "participating in yonder activity will make you even better than you already are," sort of process.
I want to be able to look back at this year, and say: "This was the turning point in my adult life. This was when I began to go forward, and never looked back."
I know I'll have regrets in my life. Everyone does. I just want mine to be regrets for things I've done, and not things I neglected to do. I've been altogether too cautious, too frightened, to try things I've always wanted to do.
I got a lesson this week in what it means to walk on a tightrope with more than thirty people who are ready not only to catch you if you fall, but who'll lift you on their shoulders and cheer just because you climbed the ladder and took those few steps out over the void.
My friends are like that. I don't think I have ever truly realized what a powerful force I have on my side. I can rely on my own strength, certainly, but when that fails, I can muster a power to be reckoned with. I am digressing right now to say "thank you" to all of you. :) (Group hug!!!! Ahem.) Okay, digression over.
I think I can be more than what I am now. Not more successful, perhaps, nor do I think that this "more" is something objectively quantifiable or even visible to the outside eye. But I think that I can enhance those parts of myself that I think are worth enhancing, and that I can rid myself (at least partially) of those aspects of myself that drag me away from what I truly want to be.
The main thing that I need to work on is getting into shape. Notice the lack of a "back" in there. Unlike most people, I wasn't really in shape ever, except maybe elementary school. So, yes. However, in order to avoid the huge mental pitfalls generally associated with this sort of thing, I'm going to be working on this slowly. I'm going to try the mantra mens sana in corpore sano, since going insane is just about the last thing I want to experience again.
I've already made some (almost involuntary) progress on that front. I've lost a considerable amount of weight since January, which is a good thing. It hasn't been unhealthily fast, nor due to stress, or what have you. Actually, I think it was due to my stopping some meds that had made me gain a lot of weight before, so it all gets explained thataway.
The point being, I want to make an actual conscious effort to be in better physical shape. I shall elaborate on this on some later date, I think. The mechanics are not what's important right now.
The other aspect I mean to work on is my own creativity. Again, there's been considerable progress made with the beginning of Beyond the Pale , which has jump-started the creative juices, but I don't want to lose that momentum. In fact, I'd rather build up speed and write more rather than less or even just the same amount I'm writing now. NaNoWriMo ought to help with that, actually. Supposing I can ever come up with a plot.
I want to get back to the point in my life when I couldn't wait to get home because it meant that I could write again, continue the story that had been playing itself out in my head all day long. I'm hoping NaNoWriMo will provide me with the impetus to start writing and keep writing, and eventually I'll be able to call myself a writer again.
I had originally intended to make this a well-organized post with structured paragraphs and everything, but then the weekend ran away from me, and now it's past 9pm on Sunday, and so I'm just going to ramble tiredly. Lord knows, that's how I tend to function most of the time anyway.
So, yeah. Been thinking about how I've been living my life lately (there's a shocker!), and a few clear(ish) thoughts have come out of the whole thing.
Now, I've been avoiding the whole introspection/self-examination thing for a while now. This is not actually a good thing, although it gave me a brief respite from the completely self-defeating pit of self-loathing in which I was so wont to wallow before. Okay, occasionally I still go there, but not nearly so frequently anymore. This is all of the good. I think I may have already briefly touched upon this topic in another post, and since this is not the main purpose of this entry, I'm not going to dwell on it longer than I have to. Suffice it to say, I've been avoiding the whole issue due to a largely-mistaken "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" interpretation of what's been happening to me lately. Problem is, it is broken, just not as visibly broken as when I was alone, jobless, and in serious financial trouble.
Now, however, that I have managed to (mostly) secure gainful employment, and will slowly but surely be clawing my way out of the financial hole that I got myself into way back when, I think it might be time to start the whole process again. In theory I never stopped, but a big part of me knows I've been avoiding probing too far into that capricious little brain of mine. A rather apt metaphor would be to liken it to an wound that's healed over but that one keeps poking at now and then to see if it still hurts.
Wow. I wasn't planning to write about that at all. Bah. Moving on.
So, I was thinking that things have, for the most part, been looking up in my life. I'm seeing more people now than I have in ages, and have renewed my acquaintance with a whole bunch of really amazing people who are possibly the most creatively stimulating people I've met since I met my current lot of friends at McGill.
Still, now that I've started the ball rolling, I've been unable to help but think that I'm not really quite living the life I want to live.
I don't want this to be construed as something very negative. I'm not in a negative mindspace, oddly enough, or at least I don't think so.
What I'm vaguely worried about, is that I'm wasting time. Not in the sense that it's usually understood, I don't think. I'm not convinced that somehow I should have arrived somewhere more significant by now (or maybe I am, but that's fodder for an entirely different post), but rather that I'm spending a lot of time doing things that don't really interest me, or that aren't worth my time.
There are several more important things I could be doing in order to make myself better. I'm also trying to redefine my own views on self-improvement. I don't want this whole process to be a "you suck and thus need to improve," kind of thing, but rather a "participating in yonder activity will make you even better than you already are," sort of process.
I want to be able to look back at this year, and say: "This was the turning point in my adult life. This was when I began to go forward, and never looked back."
I know I'll have regrets in my life. Everyone does. I just want mine to be regrets for things I've done, and not things I neglected to do. I've been altogether too cautious, too frightened, to try things I've always wanted to do.
I got a lesson this week in what it means to walk on a tightrope with more than thirty people who are ready not only to catch you if you fall, but who'll lift you on their shoulders and cheer just because you climbed the ladder and took those few steps out over the void.
My friends are like that. I don't think I have ever truly realized what a powerful force I have on my side. I can rely on my own strength, certainly, but when that fails, I can muster a power to be reckoned with. I am digressing right now to say "thank you" to all of you. :) (Group hug!!!! Ahem.) Okay, digression over.
I think I can be more than what I am now. Not more successful, perhaps, nor do I think that this "more" is something objectively quantifiable or even visible to the outside eye. But I think that I can enhance those parts of myself that I think are worth enhancing, and that I can rid myself (at least partially) of those aspects of myself that drag me away from what I truly want to be.
The main thing that I need to work on is getting into shape. Notice the lack of a "back" in there. Unlike most people, I wasn't really in shape ever, except maybe elementary school. So, yes. However, in order to avoid the huge mental pitfalls generally associated with this sort of thing, I'm going to be working on this slowly. I'm going to try the mantra mens sana in corpore sano, since going insane is just about the last thing I want to experience again.
I've already made some (almost involuntary) progress on that front. I've lost a considerable amount of weight since January, which is a good thing. It hasn't been unhealthily fast, nor due to stress, or what have you. Actually, I think it was due to my stopping some meds that had made me gain a lot of weight before, so it all gets explained thataway.
The point being, I want to make an actual conscious effort to be in better physical shape. I shall elaborate on this on some later date, I think. The mechanics are not what's important right now.
The other aspect I mean to work on is my own creativity. Again, there's been considerable progress made with the beginning of Beyond the Pale , which has jump-started the creative juices, but I don't want to lose that momentum. In fact, I'd rather build up speed and write more rather than less or even just the same amount I'm writing now. NaNoWriMo ought to help with that, actually. Supposing I can ever come up with a plot.
I want to get back to the point in my life when I couldn't wait to get home because it meant that I could write again, continue the story that had been playing itself out in my head all day long. I'm hoping NaNoWriMo will provide me with the impetus to start writing and keep writing, and eventually I'll be able to call myself a writer again.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 08:19 pm (UTC)*huggles* and good luck!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 08:44 pm (UTC)Bullshit.
t!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 05:08 am (UTC)Frighteningly enough, it's true that he's rarely wrong about such things. The theory is that if you know you have ten or fifteen people waiting for you to publish, you're less likely to disappoint them than yourself.
Okay, late for work now. *hugs*
Bye!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 11:16 am (UTC)The key word in your earlier post is "want."
Cheating, per phnee's comment, is permitted.
t!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 08:47 pm (UTC)My understanding is that you post large sections of words to online roleplaying.
Also, I have three posts in three weeks that say you're a writer.
So I say it: You're a writer.
Please note how rarely I am wrong and adjust your self-image acordingly.
t!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 10:27 am (UTC)So yes. It shows, and you look good. :)
And yes, as Taras said, you ARE a writer. And I am reading your serial, so I'll add my name to the list of those waiting for updates!
I'm happy things are looking up for you in so many aspects, Phnee. It's really good to see.
- Karine
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 11:06 am (UTC)Plus, y'know, when you're pregnant, everybody looks like they've lost weight.
t!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 01:10 pm (UTC)