Spam! Well, a question for all my poly friends out there, really

[mousme]

Okay, this has been floating at the back of my mind for a while now. Pleasepleaseplease don't take this the wrong way, it's not meant as a criticism, I just honestly don't know, 'kay?

When you talk about a "Primary" and a "Secondary," it gets a little confusing for me in terms of how the relationship works.

To me the word "secondary" implies "being of lesser importance than primary," which is kind of treacherous ground, if you follow. Clearly, this isn't exactly the case, as I doubt very strongly that many people would take kindly to being viewed as less important than someone else, especially in a loving relationship.

So what determines who is a Primary and who is a Secondary? Is it the chronological order in which you meet them? Is it the strength of the attachment?

If someone is your Primary, is it possible for you to be their Secondary? Or would you both necessarily be each other's Primaries?

Can someone change from being a Secondary to a Primary within the same relationship? Or vice versa? In the latter case, how do you tell someone that you'd like them to be your Secondary from now on rather than your Primary? Does that even happen?

Yeah. Sorry to butt into your private lives here. Maybe I should post this in a community about polyamory? (Suggestions?)

Comments

[ex-digitalis869.livejournal.com]

If someone is your Primary, is it possible for you to be their Secondary?

In my opinion? No, not if you expect something to last. Otherwise someone is getting used, and will end up being unhappy. There will be tension, with someone wanting more than another person will provide, and i can't see that ever working long-term. However, i do know monogamous people who pair with polyamorous people and seem to have it work somewhat. On the other hand, if a monogamous person is paired with a polyamorous person, i consider them to both be polyamorous by default, even if one of the pair doesn't date anyone else. :}

Can someone change from being a Secondary to a Primary within the same relationship?

Sure. I've known people in the community who started dating a married person as that person's secondary, then somewhere down the line the married couple divorced, and the "secondary" became a primary. I've seen lots of similar situations occur, say for instance, a person who starts dating a couple as their secondary, and they eventually become and equal triad.

Vice versa would be way more tricky. I don't know anyone who has ever done this, but i'm sure it has, somewhere. Infinite variety.

There are tons of polyamory communities on lj, including one for monogamous partners that i just found when i did a search: http://www.livejournal.com/community/mono_poly/, http://www.livejournal.com/community/polyamory, http://www.livejournal.com/community/kith_and_kin, http://www.livejournal.com/users/askpoly/

Etc. You'd get a ton of answers if you asked in any of those places. I read the polyamory journal for a while, but honestly, polyamorists annoy the fuck out of me on the 'net far more than my adrenalin can handle, so i stopped. Then again, i haven't found a decent (and mainly non-irritating) polyamory community since Dallas, so maybe it isn't just the 'net.

Re:

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your insight. :)

I'll go take a look at some of those other communities, but you've been a big help already.

[palmir.livejournal.com]

mousme's entry got me thinking about the mono/poly thing that you brought up. I'm wired monogamous (as far as I can tell), but got to thinking about a hypothetical relationship with someone who's poly. I figured I might be able to deal with it, provided I was their Primary, and they allowed me some time to get used to the whole idea. I don't know that something like that would change the label for me; I mean, from my point of view, I'd still be (living) with one person, with no intention or desire to see others romantically, but I wouldn't be trying to stop them from fulfilling their own desires. It doesn't seem so much a matter of action on my part (in my dating other people, or lack thereof), so much as it is the inclination towards such in general; the poly lifestyle just doesn't appeal to me in any way for my own life.

Re:

[mousme.livejournal.com]

You read my mind.

I thought about this about a month and a half ago (right about when I came out as gay), when I was asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship.

Because I know quite a few poly people, I asked myself whether I would be okay dating a poly person, and so far I've come to the conclusion that I probably would be.

I wouldn't be thrilled if I was their secondary, if only because *I* wouldn't be seeing anyone else, but if I was their primary and they had other relationships, I don't think I'd have an overly big problem with it. I'm not the jealous or possessive type (not yet, anyway, *crosses fingers*), so I agree with you in principle.

:)