Spam! Well, a question for all my poly friends out there, really

[mousme]

Okay, this has been floating at the back of my mind for a while now. Pleasepleaseplease don't take this the wrong way, it's not meant as a criticism, I just honestly don't know, 'kay?

When you talk about a "Primary" and a "Secondary," it gets a little confusing for me in terms of how the relationship works.

To me the word "secondary" implies "being of lesser importance than primary," which is kind of treacherous ground, if you follow. Clearly, this isn't exactly the case, as I doubt very strongly that many people would take kindly to being viewed as less important than someone else, especially in a loving relationship.

So what determines who is a Primary and who is a Secondary? Is it the chronological order in which you meet them? Is it the strength of the attachment?

If someone is your Primary, is it possible for you to be their Secondary? Or would you both necessarily be each other's Primaries?

Can someone change from being a Secondary to a Primary within the same relationship? Or vice versa? In the latter case, how do you tell someone that you'd like them to be your Secondary from now on rather than your Primary? Does that even happen?

Yeah. Sorry to butt into your private lives here. Maybe I should post this in a community about polyamory? (Suggestions?)

Comments

[ex-digitalis869.livejournal.com]

Hmm, obviously it's *possible* to do just about anything. So i won't be answering your questions so much as answering from my own experiences.

For me, a secondary is someone who either I a) Do not live with and with whom i have no plans to cohabit, b) I see on a very limited basis, like once or twice a week, or c) with whom i have no long-term plans. In other words, there are far more restraints on what i consider to be secondary relationships, than on a primary.

For example: I was a secondary to a woman who lived with her partner. We saw each other anywhere from one to three times a week on average, and it might have worked into something long-term eventually, but it started to take up too much of my time, and i was looking for a primary partner, someone who would live with me and be a part of my daily life. So, that is why it finally ended. I was happy with the relationship, and if i'd had a primary in my life at the time and things had been more stable for me, i might still be dating her. However, i needed too much down time and dating time and i didn't want to continue putting so many of my resources into something i saw as temporary, no matter how wonderful she was.

I also had a regular secondary relationship when i was living with a primary lover. I saw her once every week or two, and would have been happy to see her more frequently, as i was then in a stable primary relationship. However, i think she was also looking for a primary, and decided that the relationship was a waste of her time. Eventually we broke things off and lost touch. I've had several other relationships that other people would classify as "secondary", but to me they were dating relationships, which is entirely different. When dating, you're still just going out, and have no idea what kind of structure you want from something, or how serious you are or if something is going to last. Just getting to know each other and having a good time, although some of them would be viewed from the outside as secondary relationships, because many of these people were already in primary relationships, and didn't want another primary relationship.

To be blunt, secondary relationships *are* less important to me than primary relationships. It doesn't mean i don't care about them as friends or as lovers, it just means that in the final outcome, i put more time and energy into primary relationships, because i expect a much more serious return on my investment. I could see having long-term secondary relationships, but again, the return on my investment of time and energy would not be near what that would be in a primary commitment.

I doubt very strongly that many people would take kindly to being viewed as less important than someone else, especially in a loving relationship.

Actually i know people who *prefer* to be less important, and anything else makes them very nervous. I view all these people as damaged in some fashion because their ability/desire for any sort of commitment is broken. I know that puts me in the minority, becaus most people are anxious to say "everything you want is ok."

Honestly, i do have some problems with a secondary model of relationships, and i'm a little torn. I've made some good friends by dating people that way, people who have been close to me now for many years, but somehow i can't help but wonder if i wasted a lot of time that way when i was younger. You see, when i was younger, i felt like i had all the time in the world, and i had fun dating around, and the secondary thing worked for me. But now, i'm looking around, and all my friends are paired up, and i'm finding that i really want a partner, and looking around i see a bunch of people who want to use other people to inject life into their stale lives, without giving anything serious back. It's cynical, and nothing is ever that black and white, but still...i have these thoughts. I want someone to spend Christmas with, someone who will be there four and five nights a week, social functions, etc. And sure, friends can fill part of those needs, but not all of them.