Please keep your arms and legs inside the roller coaster at all times

[mousme]

Down we go.

Funny how when I'm depressed I feel so much more logical than when I'm hypomanic, even though there's a small part of me that knows that both states are just as irrational one as the other.

Right now it's so easy to believe that I'm worthless, that people only bother with me out of pity or because they don't know what I'm "really" like. Shit. I can think of at least 100 reasons to convince myself that I'm not worth anybody's time, including my own, that I'm going to fail at everything I try in my life because I'm just not good enough, or worse, that I'm just going to be mediocre at everything.

And then a small voice at the back of my mind pipes up: "Think you might be depressed and not really rational?" And then it gets swatted like an annoying gnat, because, obviously, it must be wrong.

I'm going to have dinner with the Parental Units tonight. I think I'll bring my knitting with me and try not to be too antisocial or crabby with them. It's not their fault I'm fucked up. :P

Comments

[hyzenflay.livejournal.com]

really can empathise sweetie *hugs*
I guess it's always easier to believe tjhe bad than the good. :(

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Oh, I do that too - it's part of the furniture of depression. It helps me to know that when I'm in that state my judgement - and importantly self-judgement - is impaired, so I have a list of people whom I can ask for "reasonableness checks". You know, so I can phone them and say "This little voice keeps telling me that if people really knew me they'd walk away - am I screwy, or is that reasonable?"

It may sound loony, but it works. For me, anyway.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I'm usually too ashamed to ask people, so I have to give myself the "reasonableness checks."

I'm getting better at it, but it's still hard.

*huggles Kay*