mousme | Musing on guilt.... (Reply)

wolfieboy asked me to post this as an entry. It was in response to something

kimberly_a wrote yesterday.

Guilt is a funny thing, I've found. It isn't a necessary emotion, nor is it one that we are born with, like happiness or sadness or anger. It's a learned behaviour that is taught to us by whomever raises us, whether they intend to or not. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, just as much as it can be a powerful weapon to stall initiative. Given enough time, it can grow to such proportions that one can't even remember a time when one didn't feel guilty.

The worst of it is, is that guilt feeds on itself. If you feel guilty, you reason, I must have done something to feel guilty. I must deserve this, must have somehow earned these terrible feelings that are so overwhelming that you think you might choke on them.

See, what I have come to realise for myself is that guilt prevents healing. It's like rubbing a raw, suppurating wound over and over again. It isn't like remorse, or even regret. It's a burden that is at once imposed by others and self-imposed, and that seems like it can never be lifted.

Guilt has come to be deemed necessary by many people, but I don't think it's really the case. No one can make you shoulder guilt unless you let them. So then, all guilt to some measure becomes self-imposed (I'm not talking criminal guilt here, like being guilty of stealing or murder or what have you, just in case anyone was wondering), and thus the only way of ridding oneself of a basically unhealthy and self-destructive burden is to consciously remove it.

Easier said than done, I know. Nonetheless, it's something I have tried to do over the past few months, and it has worked to a certain extent. By letting go of the guilt, you can allow yourself to feel other, healthier emotions. Grief for your mother, grief for yourself. Anger, pain, sadness, regret, all of these should have their proper place in your life because they will pass once you understand them and then you'll begin to heal.

Otherwise you're dragging the burden of guilt your mother inadvertently put on the shoulders of that six-year-old girl, making it somehow her responsibility to keep her adult mother safe. It was an impossible and unfair burden to place upon a child, even if she meant well, and I hope you will be able to set it aside in time. It should never have been yours to shoulder to begin with.