2002 in a nutshell, I guess
Dec. 31st, 2002 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeBarely an hour and a half before the New Year, and here I am on my mother's computer typing what will very likely be my last post of the year, unless I have some kind of compulsion to post a few minutes before midnight or something.
Everyone else seems to be doing it, so here's my shot at looking over the past year. *baa* It's odd, because I never really felt the need to look back like this before: I always took the past for what it was -the past- and tried not to dwell on it. Maybe that was my mistake. "Those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it," and all that.
Here goes:
2002 started out on a pretty damned bad footing. Tried to kill myself two days before my birthday. It didn't work, for which I am now very glad. However, short of expensive plastic surgery, I will always bear the scars for that little endeavour.
January and February marked what I guess could be termed as "rock bottom" for me. I stopped going to class, stopped caring, stopped wanting to live entirely. Just wanted to crawl into bed and never face the world again.
I took an overdose at the end of February, which also didn't work. I have no idea why. I'm also glad I didn't succeed then. Wasn't glad at the time: I just felt like I was too much of a screw-up to even kill myself properly. I guess I differed a lot from most suicidal people in that I tried very hard to hide the fact that I was suicidal. At least, I hid it from my parents. I didn't write a note, I didn't drop hints, and about the only part of the stereotype that I followed was that I had a plan all worked out.
It was a few days after that that things began to turn around. It was my father who triggered the first reaction in me that ultimately led to everything changing. He barged into my room one night (it's actually related in my LiveJournal somewhere, I think) and told me that as I wasn't at school and wasn't working that I should at least "earn" my allowance and clean my room. I was so angry at him that all I could think of was either hurting myself or just killing myself, because I felt like a piece of waste.
And then a thought entered my mind: "I have to get out of here."
Not a suicidal thought. One of self-preservation. And suddenly my entire perspective changed. I turned all my efforts into getting out of my parents' place and into my own space where I would be responsible only for myself. And the rest, my friends, is history.
I have come an extremely long way in a very short time, and I am proud to say that I did it mostly by myself, and that not a little bit of my success was due to my knowing when to ask for help, and receiving it from my friends (and the occasional family member and mental health professional).
I discovered a lot about myself this year. I discovered many of my boundaries. I rediscovered my spirituality, and am still searching to discover its roots and meanings. I discovered myself in a way I hadn't suspected existed, if that makes any sense at all.
On the romantic front, I can't discount this year as a failure. I had a marvelous time with Poms while it lasted, and even if it got unpleasant at the end, I don't regret having started the relationship with him at all. For a few months it was truly lovely. The only thing it has taught me is to be more careful entering a "serious" relationship so that this kind of asymetry of feeling doesn't wind up hurting the other person so much. It's odd, but I don't seem to feel the kind of burning passion other people do, at least not with a SO. I feel a lot more passionate about my friends, about my parents, about art and literature. I have never really had a "crush" on someone, never had anyone haunt my dreams or daydreams, never really fantacised about any one person on a consistent basis. Which I don't think is necessarily bad. It just means I love in a more low-key way than others, and that I have to be careful of their feelings because they'll necessarily feel more strongly about it than I.
On the material front, I think it's fair to say this year has been an unmitigated success. Financial independence is definitely something for which I can pat myself on the back. I live on my own, am completely reliant on myself and no one else (with occasional hand-outs from the Parental Units, but I accept these more because they're more convenient than the hassle of getting a "real" loan), and I support two cats and a car. Not too shabby.
I discovered a whole new side of roleplaying with different people this year, which has been a heap of fun. I've gotten to many people I didn't know well before, and now count them among some of my best friends. They are too many to list here, but you all know who you are. ˆ_ˆ
On the Personal Improvement front I still have some work to do. I am still woefully out of shape and need to hit the gym on a more regular basis. I also didn't play enough paintball this year. Still, I had one of the most fun summers in recent memory thanks to the occasional trip to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fearsclave's shack and many other fun but low-key activities.
I want to find a few activities that will be mine, my passion and my talent alone. I know it sounds kind of selfish and weird, but I'm really rather jealous of all my friends who all seem to have their own particular niche and are so happy obsessing about it. Fearsclave has his fishing and his paintball and Alien vs. Predator, Firewillow has Tai Chi, Joane has the SCA, Karine and Shenlo have their drawing... you get the idea.
I just wish I had something like that. A driving passion that would consume hours and hours which I would never see going by because I loved what I was doing so much. I want to spend time at work dreaming up what I'm going to do next for this "pet project" and obsess about it and bore people at parties with stories and long technical explanations of what it is I do in my spare time.
I also want to find a more fulfilling job. Really. Far more fulfilling than what I'm doing now. I think I'm going to start looking into that ASAP. Sure, a job like that would require more training, but if I find something I really thing I would like doing, I'll find a way to do it.
I still need to work on my emotional reaction to things. I still let myself be hurt too easily, by things which shouldn't bother me at all from a logical perspective.
Everyone else seems to be doing it, so here's my shot at looking over the past year. *baa* It's odd, because I never really felt the need to look back like this before: I always took the past for what it was -the past- and tried not to dwell on it. Maybe that was my mistake. "Those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it," and all that.
Here goes:
2002 started out on a pretty damned bad footing. Tried to kill myself two days before my birthday. It didn't work, for which I am now very glad. However, short of expensive plastic surgery, I will always bear the scars for that little endeavour.
January and February marked what I guess could be termed as "rock bottom" for me. I stopped going to class, stopped caring, stopped wanting to live entirely. Just wanted to crawl into bed and never face the world again.
I took an overdose at the end of February, which also didn't work. I have no idea why. I'm also glad I didn't succeed then. Wasn't glad at the time: I just felt like I was too much of a screw-up to even kill myself properly. I guess I differed a lot from most suicidal people in that I tried very hard to hide the fact that I was suicidal. At least, I hid it from my parents. I didn't write a note, I didn't drop hints, and about the only part of the stereotype that I followed was that I had a plan all worked out.
It was a few days after that that things began to turn around. It was my father who triggered the first reaction in me that ultimately led to everything changing. He barged into my room one night (it's actually related in my LiveJournal somewhere, I think) and told me that as I wasn't at school and wasn't working that I should at least "earn" my allowance and clean my room. I was so angry at him that all I could think of was either hurting myself or just killing myself, because I felt like a piece of waste.
And then a thought entered my mind: "I have to get out of here."
Not a suicidal thought. One of self-preservation. And suddenly my entire perspective changed. I turned all my efforts into getting out of my parents' place and into my own space where I would be responsible only for myself. And the rest, my friends, is history.
I have come an extremely long way in a very short time, and I am proud to say that I did it mostly by myself, and that not a little bit of my success was due to my knowing when to ask for help, and receiving it from my friends (and the occasional family member and mental health professional).
I discovered a lot about myself this year. I discovered many of my boundaries. I rediscovered my spirituality, and am still searching to discover its roots and meanings. I discovered myself in a way I hadn't suspected existed, if that makes any sense at all.
On the romantic front, I can't discount this year as a failure. I had a marvelous time with Poms while it lasted, and even if it got unpleasant at the end, I don't regret having started the relationship with him at all. For a few months it was truly lovely. The only thing it has taught me is to be more careful entering a "serious" relationship so that this kind of asymetry of feeling doesn't wind up hurting the other person so much. It's odd, but I don't seem to feel the kind of burning passion other people do, at least not with a SO. I feel a lot more passionate about my friends, about my parents, about art and literature. I have never really had a "crush" on someone, never had anyone haunt my dreams or daydreams, never really fantacised about any one person on a consistent basis. Which I don't think is necessarily bad. It just means I love in a more low-key way than others, and that I have to be careful of their feelings because they'll necessarily feel more strongly about it than I.
On the material front, I think it's fair to say this year has been an unmitigated success. Financial independence is definitely something for which I can pat myself on the back. I live on my own, am completely reliant on myself and no one else (with occasional hand-outs from the Parental Units, but I accept these more because they're more convenient than the hassle of getting a "real" loan), and I support two cats and a car. Not too shabby.
I discovered a whole new side of roleplaying with different people this year, which has been a heap of fun. I've gotten to many people I didn't know well before, and now count them among some of my best friends. They are too many to list here, but you all know who you are. ˆ_ˆ
On the Personal Improvement front I still have some work to do. I am still woefully out of shape and need to hit the gym on a more regular basis. I also didn't play enough paintball this year. Still, I had one of the most fun summers in recent memory thanks to the occasional trip to
fearsclave's shack and many other fun but low-key activities. I want to find a few activities that will be mine, my passion and my talent alone. I know it sounds kind of selfish and weird, but I'm really rather jealous of all my friends who all seem to have their own particular niche and are so happy obsessing about it. Fearsclave has his fishing and his paintball and Alien vs. Predator, Firewillow has Tai Chi, Joane has the SCA, Karine and Shenlo have their drawing... you get the idea.
I just wish I had something like that. A driving passion that would consume hours and hours which I would never see going by because I loved what I was doing so much. I want to spend time at work dreaming up what I'm going to do next for this "pet project" and obsess about it and bore people at parties with stories and long technical explanations of what it is I do in my spare time.
I also want to find a more fulfilling job. Really. Far more fulfilling than what I'm doing now. I think I'm going to start looking into that ASAP. Sure, a job like that would require more training, but if I find something I really thing I would like doing, I'll find a way to do it.
I still need to work on my emotional reaction to things. I still let myself be hurt too easily, by things which shouldn't bother me at all from a logical perspective.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-31 09:40 pm (UTC):: hugs tightly, but eventually allows you to breathe ::
Sky's the limit! Er, but not sky diving. Right. You know what I mean. ;)
And why not?
Date: 2002-12-31 09:55 pm (UTC)Skydiving, I mean :)?
Re: And why not?
Date: 2002-12-31 10:49 pm (UTC)Geh!
:: faceplants ::
Re: And why not?
Date: 2003-01-01 09:39 am (UTC)Well, why *would* Phnee not enjoy skydiving?
Re: And why not?
Date: 2003-01-01 01:06 pm (UTC)And because it would punch a huge hole in my wallet. But if I weren't deathly afraid of crashing to my death I would probably be okay with the financial aspect of the thing.
ˆ_ˆ
Aww, thanks
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-01-01 12:16 am (UTC)*hugs*
Here's to new beginnings, love.
*squishes Ev*
Date: 2003-01-01 01:09 pm (UTC)You're one of the coolest people I've met this year and I'm proud to count you among my friends. :)
I gots news for ya' babe!
Date: 2003-01-02 12:04 pm (UTC)The 'burning passion' thing... it's a myth. It doesn't exist. Oh, sure, there are times when you get all worked up about someone or something you love, but it really doesn't last. There are times when I really HATE drawing, and there are times when I just want to be friends with Joane.
The secret to happiness (IMHO) is to recognize the fact that you DECIDE what you love and WHO you love and you work at staying with it/them.
If you're worried or upset that you're not getting a long-lasting burning passion for something or someone, I'd like to suggest that you're perfectly normal. I've decided that I like drawing enough to pursue it as a career (pfft, for what that's been worth), and that I like Joane enough to life the rest of my life with her, and that you're real cool and want to be your friend!
-This emotive-goofy moment brought to you by Shenlo-
Re: I gots news for ya' babe!
Date: 2003-01-02 12:07 pm (UTC)- Karine, wants to get to know you more, more, I say!