Cleaning up my act

[mousme]

I have installed a Clean Air Jar for myself at work. Every time I swear, I put in 5 cents. Once I've kept my language clean for 30 days straight, I get to keep the proceeds from the jar.

I hope it works. I've developped a mouth like a sewer here at work.

My mother used to use "crumpet" as a swear word. I figure I might use that, and try to come up with some imaginative but clean swears. Before anyone suggests "Frak" or "Gorram," be advised that I've tried those and find they don't suit me. Yes, I find them weirder than "crumpet." Don't ask. It's safer that way. :D

Comments

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

"Quack" works very well for me. It's also a good word to mournfully utter when you would otherwise sigh or moan.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Oh, I like that! "Quack" sounds angry.

I usually use "meow" for sounding mournful. :)

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

It's the 'k' sound that begins and ends the word. Very satisfying.

The mournful 'aaaaaa' in the middle is also rewarding when one is moany. I find it slightly more forlorn that the 'meow,' which I also use upon occasion.

Let me tel you, though, the look on a bank teller's face when you mutter a long-suffering "quaaaaaack" while you're searching through your bag for something is priceless.

[quietlyurban.livejournal.com]

When baby was born one of our tv channels was doing a big repeat run of Agatha Christie's Poirot. I spent a fair proportion of my first three months with the baby watching these when I was trapped on the sofa or in a chair with her asleep in my lap or feeding.

Amazingly this not only reinforced my appreciation for David Suchet playing the role of Poirot but cleaned my language up. Every time I want to swear now I have this mental image of Hugh Fraser (who played Captain Hastings) peering somewhat sorrowfully at the camera and uttering with deep gravitas... "Good Lord, Poirot!" and "I say!"

My other favourite non-swearing-swear stems from when I went to get chips one evening and walked past a student standing outside the door of a house having a very animated conversation on his mobile phone.. "I mean it's just not on, she's just such a SLUG."

Therefore I propose "Good Lord", "I say!" and "Slug" for your consideration.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Oh, I LOVED Hugh Fraser as Captain Hastings!

"Slug" is marvellous. I may keep that. Don't know how it'll work in context (I suspect these things sound better when pronounced by a British person), but I'll certainly give it a try.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

"Slug" is awesome!

My "quack" also came about as the result of having a Small Person in my life. :)

[luvenditti.livejournal.com]

I use 'crumb!' and 'sand on the beach'

[cpirate.livejournal.com]

A friend is of the opinion that "flocons de mais" sounds like it should totally be a Quebecois swear word :) And at some point, another friend started saying "oopsie-doodles" upon making mistakes, in lieu of some other kind of swearing. Other interesting not-quite-swears that have come up among my circle of friends: "Caw" (like a crow), gobbling like a turkey, and "by the shores of Lake Titicaca". It's never dull...

And I'm totally with you on "Frak" and "Gorram", I never found them satisfying.

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

Fudgeberries.

[longpig.livejournal.com]

I use 'biscuits' on the rare occasion I am watching my language... And many variations on 'pétoncle!'

[irishyogini.livejournal.com]

Biscuits! I love it! :)

[toughlovemuse.livejournal.com]

I occasionally say "jiggery pokery" as my oath of frustration. I think it's from a Harry Potter book, but am not really sure where I picked it up.

A couple of years ago at Anime North, Rob put forth "Justin Timberlake" as a swear word. It is oddly satisfying, and lasted us the weekend.

[moonandtree.livejournal.com]

Crumpet? Crumpet?

That's hardly the same as dropping the F-bomb.

Why not go for something a little more colorful? I've always enjoyed Frick and Fricking. I also really like Mother Fracker, though I rarely use it anymore.

Good luck!

[tcaptain.livejournal.com]

My director uses 'sugar' but somehow can turn it into a vile oath.

"sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhugar!"

It works for her most days.

The (very) few times I've heard her say "oh shit!" I KNEW it was serious trouble.

I'd try a Clean Air Jar, but I think I'd be broke for a good long time and then once I managed the 30 days, I'd be able to retire.

[ai731.livejournal.com]

From the venerable Sherman T. Potter on M*A*S*H* "Horse hockey pucks!"

[irishyogini.livejournal.com]

On of my favorites has always been "crap."

[raven-albion.livejournal.com]

I did say in a work conversation yesterday that something 'fff...frosted my cupcakes' instead of the oath I really wanted to use. Got a good laugh out of the guy at the next desk over, so who knows, it might work for you too.

[swestrup]

Until well into my twenties, the only thing I used as a swear word was "rats!". I figured if it was good enough for Charlie Brown, and all that went wrong in his life, it was good enough for me.

Somewhere along the way, it seems to have fallen by the wayside.

[miseri.livejournal.com]

I'm rather fond of "oh, bother" though now that I think about it, I don't use it all that much. It makes me think of Winnie the Pooh, and how can you stay upset when you're thinking of Winnie the Pooh?

I suspect the problem with "frak" and "gorram" is that they're too obviously "replacement words", like "crikey". In the case of "gorram", at least, I keep thinking of it as not a replacement at all, but merely a mispronunciation (possibly because the speaker has had his front teeth punched out and can't articulate his D's, or else he's drunk, or possibly both.)

I tend not to swear much, personally. The furthest I've gone, I think, is, uh, s***, and then generally only under my breath and in private. Oh, except for that one time when something went seriously wonky with Stefan's e-mail and it spent over a week spamming me with the same idiotic one-liner, several times daily. I used up my lifetime supply of F's on that one.

Swearing's more effective if people know that you normally don't, in my opinion. As Michael Flanders observed, "...You can say things in public that you would hesitate to say in private. These four letter words and so on. I am very much opposed to this. There are very few of these four letter words left. If they all come into common use, we shall have nothing left for special occasions."

(Speaking of which, have you heard Flanders & Swann's "P** P* B**** B** D******"? Here's a somewhat sped-up version.)

[gats.livejournal.com]

How about "My little pony!"? (This colourful expression brought to you courtesy of The Middleman, home of colourful expressions that are in no way swearing.)

[(Anonymous)]

I got some good ones from Steve Carell. In "Evan Almighty" he keeps hammering his hand while building the ark, causing him to exclaim non-swears in pain.
My favourite: "Aaaaarrgh Kelly Clarkson!"
Try it, it's got lots of hard "c" sounds in there that make you think you're saying something really nasty.

[taxlady.livejournal.com]

I like fuddle duddle, courtesy Trudeau.

[whiskeygirl8.livejournal.com]

I picked up the habit of saying, "For fuck sake!" Then, when I was going to be taking my nephews and niece camping I realized I needed to clean that up, so I started saying, "For the love of Pete!" Only downside is people keep asking me who Pete is.

I also have used "drat" in the past. Seems like there was another one, but I can't remember it. I do say, "Gah!" a lot. Although most places I am I feel perfectly comfortable cussing.

Maledicta

[ankhorite.livejournal.com]

I use "oh, fuck ME!" or, Adam Sandler-style, "oh, fuck me in the goat ass!" as his sanguine goat character used to say.

But for public use, there's "DANG!" and "oh, god BLESS it!" in tones that make perfectly clear what I really have in mind.

I like owldaughter's "Oh, QUACK!" above, but not mournfully. I think I'd use it for things like slamming my hand in the door in the presence of a little 'un.

Phnee, when I worked for the prison system, my vocabulary was...that of the prison system. Also, everyone is fussing about ex-Governor Blagojevich and his wife swearing so casually—I assure you, in Illinois politics (mostly in Chicago) that is dead-common and makes all this hand-waving by pundits seem not just prudish, but hypocritical also.

Maledicta

[ankhorite.livejournal.com]

"Frak" doesn't help me, no matter how much I like Battlestar Galactica. And "frik" or "frig" embarrass me, because they are based on frigging, which is quite as smutty as the word they are avoiding.

"Gorram" is just weird.

Crumpet? Abu Felix and his all-female cast of co-workers use "BASKET!" as in, "Oh, our boss is such a basket, he always dumps work on us on Friday five minutes before quitting time." or "That guy I was dating turned out to be a real basket, I caught him kicking my dog."

I use by Her Holy Hooves and Horn here on LJ, but not in real life.