I'm not actually attracted to one woman in particular these days.
This has been a realisation that's been slow in coming, but my fairly disastrous relationship with Poms seems to have clinched it: I'm not attracted to men in general. I've always been attracted to women, I find them beautiful and soft and welcoming, and while I find men to be good-looking, I don't find them attractive, if that makes any sense. Men are simply an aesthetic pleasure for me.
I think the reason I'm having so much trouble with the "lesbian" or "homosexual" label is partly related to the fact that in the past labels in the past have *solved* my problems, not created more. Being labelled "shy" and "bookish" and then "bipolar" and "PTSD" actually helped me explain who I was to the outside world, my parents included.
Now I have a label that's making me face potential censure from the two people I love the most in the world.
I may have to take Kay's advice on this one and just not tell them for a while, if not indefinitely.
The thing is, I'm a terrible liar: it makes me feel physically and mentally horrible. It's all theoretical now, but if I ever get involved with a woman, I'd have to tell her that I'm not "out" to my parents, and then what? She'd think I was ashamed of her, or maybe of me, or both of us, and I've have to start living an out and out lie by telling my parents that she's my "friend" and not my "girlfriend" or my "lover."
Gah.
In case it got lost in that rant, thank you for the support. *hugs*
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Date: 2003-03-06 10:25 am (UTC)I'm not actually attracted to one woman in particular these days.
This has been a realisation that's been slow in coming, but my fairly disastrous relationship with Poms seems to have clinched it: I'm not attracted to men in general. I've always been attracted to women, I find them beautiful and soft and welcoming, and while I find men to be good-looking, I don't find them attractive, if that makes any sense. Men are simply an aesthetic pleasure for me.
I think the reason I'm having so much trouble with the "lesbian" or "homosexual" label is partly related to the fact that in the past labels in the past have *solved* my problems, not created more. Being labelled "shy" and "bookish" and then "bipolar" and "PTSD" actually helped me explain who I was to the outside world, my parents included.
Now I have a label that's making me face potential censure from the two people I love the most in the world.
I may have to take Kay's advice on this one and just not tell them for a while, if not indefinitely.
The thing is, I'm a terrible liar: it makes me feel physically and mentally horrible. It's all theoretical now, but if I ever get involved with a woman, I'd have to tell her that I'm not "out" to my parents, and then what? She'd think I was ashamed of her, or maybe of me, or both of us, and I've have to start living an out and out lie by telling my parents that she's my "friend" and not my "girlfriend" or my "lover."
Gah.
In case it got lost in that rant, thank you for the support. *hugs*