Arguing with "That Guy"

Working in the field of security/law enforcement has, in the past two-odd years, thrown me smack dab against a huge freaking pile of Those Guys.

I was reminded of this forcefully last night when talking to Excitable!Puppy, and had it pointed out to me by the ever-vigilant and eloquent aislingtheach. I was also reminded forcefully of how ill-equipped I am to argue with a Guy Like That.

Let me state for the record, before I continue down the road where this train of thought is taking me, that I am pissed off at the thought that I constantly feel guilty when I don't call guys (and occasionally girls) who spew misogynistic bullshit on their bullshit every single time they do it. It makes me fucking angry that I feel as though I'm betraying all three billion women who share this planet with me every time I think "I don't have the energy to deal with this today." The old if-you're-not-part-of-the-solution-you're-part-of-the-problem song and dance is old and patently fucking unfair. Why is it that women are OBLIGATED to rise to the defense of their gender (lest they be-part-of-the-problem) but all men have to do is remain silent in order to be considered neutral at the very least, or a silent ally at best? A woman who doesn't immediately speak up is betraying her entire gender, simply by ducking her head as a means of self-defense.

FUCK THAT.

*pant pant*

Okay, that being said, I would like to move back to my original problem. Since I *do* feel that it's important for me to argue with the jackasses at work, who genuinely don't consider themselves jackasses, I need help. Often enough I have no rational argument to come back with for these people. I just feel, instinctively, that what they are saying is fallacious in the extreme. Hell, even my mother occasionally spews misogynistic garbage that she genuinely believes is Right and True (and my mother is a hell of a force of nature: she worked in advertising for forty cut-throat years, and would eviscerate anyone who tried to take away her right to vote). What I want to know is: where can I go to find the people who have rational arguments that will help me?

Let me provide examples, to illustrate my problem.

1- "The balance of power has shifted. Women are more powerful than men now: look at all the TV commercials in which men are presented as idiots and women have to come to their rescue."

Me: AUGH! You understand that commercials aren't real, right? The same goes for television/movies in general. It's just a cheap ploy of the advertising agencies to pat women on the head, make them think they're clever/powerful, and encourage them to buy crap.

2- "Women want it all: they want to be treated like men in the workplace, but they still expect men to buy them dinner and hold doors for them."

Me: AUGH! Why is it that if you open a door for me, it automatically invalidates ALL MY OTHER RIGHTS AS A FUCKING HUMAN BEING? I don't expect people to buy me dinner, but god damn it, why does holding open a door/otherwise being "chivalrous" somehow constitute my immediate capitulation and acceptance of a role as a lesser being?

3- "All the men I know are afraid of their wives. Everyone knows women hold the true power. Haven't they always said that behind every great man stands a strong woman?"

Me: AUGH! I can't even begin to tell you how much that statement is made of WRONG and FAIL. Have you ever noticed that the woman in that saying is never allowed to hold her own goddamn seat of power? The man's rightful place is in the seat of power, whereas the woman, regardless of intelligence or merit, must be content to lurk in the shadows, where she fucking well belongs.


The list goes on and on and on.

My mother's favourite argument is that women brought all their troubles on themselves. She likes to use construction as her metaphor: "If women want to use jackhammers and act like men, it's their own fault if men treat them badly afterward." My mother's logic is not earth-logic. I'm usually able to point out that it's not *just* construction that women want to do: how about science? How about medicine? (My mother doesn't like going to male doctors, but doesn't see the irony there)

Every week (sometimes every day), I am subjected to comments about women being on the rag, women being bitches, women being airheads, women "oppressing" men with their feminism. "Feminist" is a dirty word where I work: it means you're a lesbian man-hater. I have been coming out slowly at work, when the opportunity presents itself, and you should SEE the damned shock on people's faces: "You're a lesbian?!? But... but you're nice! You wear makeup and skirts! You haven't tried to castrate me with a ballpoint pen!" It makes me SICK.

( Random tangent about heterosexism and heterosexual privilege )

I'm tired of being the Bastion of Feminism at work, but since that's my role, I want to damned well be better-equipped to tell people (in particular the men, but also some of the women) why their sexist assumptions are wrong. Or at least make them think twice about their position of privilege.

To a certain extent, I'd like to be able to do this wrt to race as well, but I am well aware that in that area I, too, speak from a position of privilege. I am leery of getting too involved in an elaborate discussion in an area in which I probably have any number of blind spots due to said privilege.

I would just like to find a way to make an impact with these people. To make them stop and reconsider, and think "You know, it never occurred to me to look at it that way before." I don't think I'll ever change them completely —some of these guys are nearly sixty and have never thought differently in their lives— but I'd like at the very least to be able to stand up for myself in an argument with them.

It doesn't feel like much, but it's a start

I figured out a way to get stuff done while I'm on night shift: do it the minute I get home in the morning. I only had about half an hour's worth of productivity, but it's half an hour more than I've ever managed in the past.

Starting tomorrow, though, I'll be pulling twelve-hour shifts thanks to the Overtime Fairy, so I think my productivity on the home front will tank once more. At least I got *something* done today.

Next week is going to be a whirlwind of activity. I may as well start battening down the hatches now. ;)


I don't especially feel like going to work tonight. I'd rather stay home and go back to sleep. The cats have awoken me twice in a row now by stepping directly on my face. It's not as much fun as it sounds.