Voluntary Overtime
Feb. 11th, 2021 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI am torn between two contradictory thoughts:
1- There aren't enough clones of me to get all my work done in a given work day/work week.
2- I could get all my work done if I managed my time better/didn't procrastinate.
I *do* procrastinate. Always have, especially when it's something that I'm unsure I'll be able to do well, or when it's something I know I find difficult to do. So there is definitely at least some truth to the second thought. That being said, on an intellectual level I don't think it's true that I could get ALL my work done even if I spent every single minute of my workday being hyper-productive.
That's where it gets a little messy in my brain. I think that I may be procrastinating not only because of uncertainty/discomfort/anxiety, although that's the main reason, but also because I have the other belief that there isn't enough time in the day to get all my work done no matter what I do. So my self-sabotaging brain then flips itself onto its back like an extremely dramatic turtle and wails: "WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN TRYING, GAWD." My brain also likes to turtle when I'm uncertain/uncomfortable/anxious and yells "I CAN'T!" or "I DON'T KNOW!" or "IT'LL NEVER WORK ANYWAY!" Because it is a very dramatic turtle, as I said.
So today was overall a pretty productive day. I only procrastinated twice, and even then it was for very short bursts of time (maybe 10 minutes or so). I did a whole bunch of stuff, but arguably I didn't do the most important task on my list today, which is to prep for a Big Important Meeting I have tomorrow. Granted, all of the stuff I did today was important and had a time constraint on it, and it would have been irresponsible to *not* do that stuff too, so it kind of feels like it was a form of constructive procrastination. That still leaves the fact that I have not prepared for tomorrow's meeting, and I have made the decision to bring work home with me in order to finish preparing. When I say I haven't prepared, it's not 100% exact: I know what needs to happen, and I theoretically could run this meeting with what I have in my brain already. It's just that if I read the extra documentation I got this week and plan out an agenda for myself in writing, it will go much, much better. It's a meeting with a lot of people in positions of more power than mine, and given my tendency to get flustered when challenged (even when I theoretically know my stuff, the impostor syndrome is strong), being well prepared will be an extra tool in my toolbelt to keep things running smoothly and to help me achieve what I want tomorrow.
I don't really have any scintillating insight into this yet. I am going to go to bed soon, and the goal is to get up a little earlier than usual to keep working. I overslept this morning by way of sleeping right through my alarm. I never even heard it. When I checked my phone I hadn't turned it off, it had just stopped ringing of its own accord after being "ignored" for over 20 minutes. Luckily I had no early meetings and my boss doesn't care when I get into work, just so long as the job gets done, but I still feel a little guilty about not being "on time" this morning. So the voluntary overtime fairy is paying me a visit for a few different reasons today.
1- There aren't enough clones of me to get all my work done in a given work day/work week.
2- I could get all my work done if I managed my time better/didn't procrastinate.
I *do* procrastinate. Always have, especially when it's something that I'm unsure I'll be able to do well, or when it's something I know I find difficult to do. So there is definitely at least some truth to the second thought. That being said, on an intellectual level I don't think it's true that I could get ALL my work done even if I spent every single minute of my workday being hyper-productive.
That's where it gets a little messy in my brain. I think that I may be procrastinating not only because of uncertainty/discomfort/anxiety, although that's the main reason, but also because I have the other belief that there isn't enough time in the day to get all my work done no matter what I do. So my self-sabotaging brain then flips itself onto its back like an extremely dramatic turtle and wails: "WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN TRYING, GAWD." My brain also likes to turtle when I'm uncertain/uncomfortable/anxious and yells "I CAN'T!" or "I DON'T KNOW!" or "IT'LL NEVER WORK ANYWAY!" Because it is a very dramatic turtle, as I said.
So today was overall a pretty productive day. I only procrastinated twice, and even then it was for very short bursts of time (maybe 10 minutes or so). I did a whole bunch of stuff, but arguably I didn't do the most important task on my list today, which is to prep for a Big Important Meeting I have tomorrow. Granted, all of the stuff I did today was important and had a time constraint on it, and it would have been irresponsible to *not* do that stuff too, so it kind of feels like it was a form of constructive procrastination. That still leaves the fact that I have not prepared for tomorrow's meeting, and I have made the decision to bring work home with me in order to finish preparing. When I say I haven't prepared, it's not 100% exact: I know what needs to happen, and I theoretically could run this meeting with what I have in my brain already. It's just that if I read the extra documentation I got this week and plan out an agenda for myself in writing, it will go much, much better. It's a meeting with a lot of people in positions of more power than mine, and given my tendency to get flustered when challenged (even when I theoretically know my stuff, the impostor syndrome is strong), being well prepared will be an extra tool in my toolbelt to keep things running smoothly and to help me achieve what I want tomorrow.
I don't really have any scintillating insight into this yet. I am going to go to bed soon, and the goal is to get up a little earlier than usual to keep working. I overslept this morning by way of sleeping right through my alarm. I never even heard it. When I checked my phone I hadn't turned it off, it had just stopped ringing of its own accord after being "ignored" for over 20 minutes. Luckily I had no early meetings and my boss doesn't care when I get into work, just so long as the job gets done, but I still feel a little guilty about not being "on time" this morning. So the voluntary overtime fairy is paying me a visit for a few different reasons today.
