Chicken and the Egg
Feb. 17th, 2010 11:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeSo I was reading some fanfic yesterday in which one of the characters is suffering from depression with psychotic features, and it was freakily well-written and quite possibly hit a little close to home.
And I think that maybe I shouldn't be reading this in the middle of a winter in which November has lasted all the way into February, or maybe it was just the St. John's Wort and the resulting really vivid dreams that's screwing with me, or I dunno.
I also left a long-winded comment in someone's LJ with a summary of the Five Years During Which Phnee Kind of Went off the Deep End™, because someone close to her is going through a bad time, and I am a firm believer in not keeping silent about that sort of thing. mental illness is one of those last taboos that no one speaks of in polite society, because it's Just Not Done and it makes people uncomfortable. So unless someone is asking me about the scars on my arm in the middle of a party, when it's obviously not the right time for it, I do try to answer questions as honestly and completely as possible.
Oh, uh, hey! It occurs to me that all the new people to this LJ that I mentioned yesterday might not in fact know that I basically went off my rocker for a few years. *waves* I'm okay now, for the record. Still have rough patches, but on the whole I am fine, med-free and totally functional. But I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder seven years ago now (holy shit, has it been that long?), and that kind of defined my existence for a while. Be thankful you weren't here for that interlude: my friends were saints to put up with me. :)
I'm not sure if it's just the fact that it's winter and it's been rougher than usual this year, or if all that rehashing of old issues in my head brought it all back, or what. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Anyway, all this to say that I had a weird, rough night. I had quite possibly the worst nightmare in years, in which I was in my apartment and the power cut out. Except that the TV stayed on, as well as one tiny light in the kitchen. It was weird, because usually my dreamscapes don't in any way resemble real life, but in this case it was unmistakeably my apartment, maybe slightly bigger. There was a DVD in the player which was playing what appeared to be the darker, scarier episodes of Buffy (the episodes never actually happened, for the record: my brain came up with something extra specially scary all for me). I remember thinking that was weird, because I only own one season of Buffy, and certainly not this "special" DVD, and I decided I must have gotten it through Zip. Because, apparently, I need to come up with logical explanations for things in my dreams, too.
I purposefully moved away from the TV because I was freaking myself out, and wandered into the kitchen, which is when I really started to freak out, because I could see something out in the garden through the window. I think I mixed up my old apartment with this one at that point, because it seemed as though I was looking out from the second story. What frightened me was that I knew something was out there, but it was swathed in shadows and I couldn't see what it was and I knew it was coming for me. Shadow-monsters have to be one of my biggest squicks ever. They freak me the hell out, even on TV and in the movies. So, yeah, to say I didn't deal well would be putting it mildly.
So when I came out of the dream I kind of came apart. I thought I was going to float right off my bed, and I haven't really felt that disconnected from myself or anything in a really long time.
The good part? I totally knew how to fix it. I have no idea how I figured it out so quickly, but I did. I forced myself to get up, fetched Pan-Pan from the other room, and lay back down with him on top of me (it's his favourite spot). It's amazing how nineteen pounds of cat lying on top of you can ground you like nobody's business.
Five minutes later he crawled over me and settled into my arms in his second-favourite position of having me cuddle him like a teddy bear, and five minutes after that I was asleep again.
So all's well that ends well. All in all, I think it went okay, and I didn't have any residual bad feelings or anything this morning.
I'm counting this one as a win.
And I think that maybe I shouldn't be reading this in the middle of a winter in which November has lasted all the way into February, or maybe it was just the St. John's Wort and the resulting really vivid dreams that's screwing with me, or I dunno.
I also left a long-winded comment in someone's LJ with a summary of the Five Years During Which Phnee Kind of Went off the Deep End™, because someone close to her is going through a bad time, and I am a firm believer in not keeping silent about that sort of thing. mental illness is one of those last taboos that no one speaks of in polite society, because it's Just Not Done and it makes people uncomfortable. So unless someone is asking me about the scars on my arm in the middle of a party, when it's obviously not the right time for it, I do try to answer questions as honestly and completely as possible.
Oh, uh, hey! It occurs to me that all the new people to this LJ that I mentioned yesterday might not in fact know that I basically went off my rocker for a few years. *waves* I'm okay now, for the record. Still have rough patches, but on the whole I am fine, med-free and totally functional. But I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder seven years ago now (holy shit, has it been that long?), and that kind of defined my existence for a while. Be thankful you weren't here for that interlude: my friends were saints to put up with me. :)
I'm not sure if it's just the fact that it's winter and it's been rougher than usual this year, or if all that rehashing of old issues in my head brought it all back, or what. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Anyway, all this to say that I had a weird, rough night. I had quite possibly the worst nightmare in years, in which I was in my apartment and the power cut out. Except that the TV stayed on, as well as one tiny light in the kitchen. It was weird, because usually my dreamscapes don't in any way resemble real life, but in this case it was unmistakeably my apartment, maybe slightly bigger. There was a DVD in the player which was playing what appeared to be the darker, scarier episodes of Buffy (the episodes never actually happened, for the record: my brain came up with something extra specially scary all for me). I remember thinking that was weird, because I only own one season of Buffy, and certainly not this "special" DVD, and I decided I must have gotten it through Zip. Because, apparently, I need to come up with logical explanations for things in my dreams, too.
I purposefully moved away from the TV because I was freaking myself out, and wandered into the kitchen, which is when I really started to freak out, because I could see something out in the garden through the window. I think I mixed up my old apartment with this one at that point, because it seemed as though I was looking out from the second story. What frightened me was that I knew something was out there, but it was swathed in shadows and I couldn't see what it was and I knew it was coming for me. Shadow-monsters have to be one of my biggest squicks ever. They freak me the hell out, even on TV and in the movies. So, yeah, to say I didn't deal well would be putting it mildly.
So when I came out of the dream I kind of came apart. I thought I was going to float right off my bed, and I haven't really felt that disconnected from myself or anything in a really long time.
The good part? I totally knew how to fix it. I have no idea how I figured it out so quickly, but I did. I forced myself to get up, fetched Pan-Pan from the other room, and lay back down with him on top of me (it's his favourite spot). It's amazing how nineteen pounds of cat lying on top of you can ground you like nobody's business.
Five minutes later he crawled over me and settled into my arms in his second-favourite position of having me cuddle him like a teddy bear, and five minutes after that I was asleep again.
So all's well that ends well. All in all, I think it went okay, and I didn't have any residual bad feelings or anything this morning.
I'm counting this one as a win.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:13 pm (UTC)I have occasional attacks of something ... different in form but similar in effect, and it is Not Fun. It's been something I have to watch for ever since I had a bout with very serious depression about thirteen years ago.
And yes, I've learned to be careful about what I read/watch and when. There are times I can handle certain things and times I can't, and I've become pretty good at knowing which is which.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:18 pm (UTC)The story practically mirrored my experience, except that the guy in question ended up hospitalized, which I never did. But everything, down to the obsessing about being perfect at his job, role-immersion, becoming accident-prone and numb, the self-injury... guh. It was a little horrifying. I think the OP might have some personal experience with it. I hope she doesn't, but the descriptions make me think otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:18 pm (UTC)I have misplaced my paperwork. I will go look for it.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:33 pm (UTC)Oh, I've been there. More frequently than I'd like to talk about. I think it's awesome that you can recognize it, and know what to do about it. It's so hard when you're in the crazy-moment to stop, breathe, ask yourself "is this real life or crazy life?" and then cope around it.
Go Team Us! We need shirts. *hugs you again*
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:35 pm (UTC)(Oh, and for the record? Not saints, just stubborn. ;) )
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 05:57 pm (UTC)Why can't the vivid dreams be of good things? Running through fields of daisies and sunshine and unicorns!?
I know about the shadow monsters too. I've had issues with night terrors where my eyes are open and the thing in my dream is still standing beside my bed and as I climb to consciousness it slides off into the corners to join the shadows there or develop holes and break up like oily fog :P
Sunshine daisy unicorns!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 06:07 pm (UTC)Yes, go find your paperwork :).
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 06:53 pm (UTC)This is where I reveal a few of my barely closeted psych issues when I say that I'm also kind of in love with those sorts of dreams. They're shit when you have them, but holy crap, the imagery is beyond. But, I've always had erratic sleep patterns which just sort of includes messed up dreams by default. So, and back to the why Wench is abby normal comment, I honestly find them familiar and comforting at this point. When I read other people's dreams and find them similar, I really sort of dig it. It's like "oh, hey, I was there - well, not there-there, but absolutely around the block from that apartment in nightmare town". I think it's also why I enjoy scary, darkly themed forms of entertainment and am so picky about them.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:24 pm (UTC)I mean with the "shadow monster" thing. Only, thing is- not so much that the shadows like, of things that are there. I don't really know how to explain it without being all triggersome. But aaah, you're not the only one with a shadow thing. There. Crap. I didn't know how to talk about that. LOL
eta: I also have mental health issues. Last massive freakout resulted in a shot in the ass. That's about as much as I will divulge, but I get pretty bad. I also suck at being comforting. XP Obviously.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:34 pm (UTC)I've done that with shadows of things that are there, too. Usually when I'm half-asleep and suddenly the shadows start doing things that no normal shadow should do (and not happy dancing-shadow stuff, either).
Suckage about the shot in the ass. That's gotta hurt. :(
You also don't have to worry about being comforting. On the whole, I am doing really well. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:37 pm (UTC)My dreams are usually pretty awesomely funky. I have spectacular dream landscapes, usually vastly epic ones. That makes the nightmares worse, but the good dreams are really freaking awesome too.
I, too, am really picky about my dark and scary themed forms of enjoyment, but when I do enjoy them, boy howdy! It's why I love SPN so much: it pushes ALL the right buttons. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 08:39 pm (UTC)I think I coped really well essentially because I've been doing so well overall. Five years ago I would have been a hyperventilating mess. As it is, I know what it is now, and while it feels terrifying, I also know rationally that I'm not actually scared. Uh... does that even make sense?
Anyway, it was a little weird. I woke up, freaked out, and all I could think was "I should go get Pan-Pan and have him ground me." I've never thought that way before. Maybe it was some residual dream-stuff that I don't remember now.
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Date: 2010-02-17 08:41 pm (UTC)I'm sure many saints are also really stubborn. It would come with the territory. Just look what they have to put up with every day.
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Date: 2010-02-17 08:42 pm (UTC)RAINBOW UNICORNS!
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Date: 2010-02-18 12:23 am (UTC)I'm glad you are okay! :)
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Date: 2010-02-18 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 09:11 am (UTC)I am so incredibly pleased to hear that it WORKS. \o/
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Date: 2010-02-18 12:19 pm (UTC)*hugs back*
Yeah, I'm pretty much good. I have the occasional random freakout, and this winter has been really bad for everyone because there's NO SUN (or at least there's been a lot less sun than usual), but on the whole? Pretty much fine. :)
I'm kind of surprised I dealt so well myself. Comes with practice, I guess. Yay cats!
Your dream sounds pretty freaky too. I have a random and weird fascination with zombies, so I'm afraid my first reaction was "Zombies! Cool!" I hope the dream didn't linger too long, though. Nightmares suck.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 01:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 03:04 pm (UTC)Still, I should start a clinic or something.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 07:15 pm (UTC)Alas that my weekends are mostly toast until April. Phooey. I will give you a call, but if I flake please call me too? :)