mousme | For my own records... (Reply)

-5 (Delusional Psychotic Depression): Don't have the definition to hand, as I got this partially from

kimberly_a. Am going on extrapolation.
-4 (Major Depression): Also lacking the definition.
-3 (Dysthymic): Mildly depressive mood; low self-confidence; low energy; loss of interest and pleasure; pessimistic
-2 (Hypothymic): Reasonably well-adjusted and functioning adequately, but low-keyed, slightly withdrawn; a follower rather than a leader; smiles infrequently; works efficiently; conscientious; often has obsessive-compulsive or perfectionist personality traits; doing okay
-1 (Bottom of normal)
0 (Normal): No symptoms of depression or manic elation. Functions well in social, professional, and interpersonal areas. Appropriate reactions to daily disappointments and successes
+1 (Top of normal)
+2 (Hyperthymic): Energetic; highly motivated; productive; successful; sociable; sometimes irritable; often a leader in all walks of life; usually well-liked; may need only five to six hours of sleep a night; does not seek therapy. Generally beneficial to the culture
+3 (Hypomanic): Predominant mood highly energetic; expansive; elevated; full of ideas and projects; can be angry when crossed and at times irritating; strong sex drive; may compulsively spend money, travel, talk; requires only three to five hours of sleep; poor judgments; risk taking; financial wheeling and dealing may lead to legal consequences. May be highly beneficial ... or detrimental
4 - Manic. Elated; overactive; can't stop talking; needs very little or no sleep; highly distractible; racing thoughts; irritable and angry; rage attacks when crossed; extremely poor judgment; depressive features may be present.
5 - Manic psychosis. Incoherent; belligerent; out of control; may be violent or paranoid; may have psychotic delusions or hallucinations; high risk taking with painful consequences; depressive features may be present; a medical emergency.

Mood Chart —June 2003

June

Mood Chart —June-July 2003

Mood Chart —July-August

Mood Chart —August-September 2003

So What the Hell Does It All Mean?

Fucked if I know.

No discernible pattern that I can see, except that I'm more likely to be manic when in social situations, but I don't know if that's cause or effect (does seeing people make me manic, or do I see people when I'm manic?).

Of course, Chart # 3 doesn't take into account the massive mood swings I went through during Bigfoot. I completed the chart a few days after and kind of gave an overall "grade" to each day, but it remains that I was swinging around like a crazed pendulum that weekend.

No discernible tie-in to anxiety/panic attacks, which seem to occur whether I'm manic or depressed and are usually triggered by my feeling overwhelmed by something (it's been financial and "romantic" this summer —lack of funds, Hydro Québec antics, and that unpleasant episode with Poms at the end of July and the beginning of August, mostly).

So, yeah. Am perplexed. Hey, all you other people out there with bipolar disorder: is there a recognisable pattern to your mood swings, or are they all over the place? Have you been able to identify triggers, or is it as random as it seems to be for me? Does it vary at all?

Gah.

*beats head against wall in frustration*

Oh, you may be wondering why I'm going through this in painstaking detail today. Well, other than the clear procrastinating benefits, I've actually finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist at the Montreal General Hospital on Tuesday.

See, (I don't think I wrote about it too mucn in this Journal, funnily enough) I was given the royal brush-off by the secretary of the doctor I was meant to see. That was Dr. Franck, whom I'd seen at the beginning and who was the one to diagnose me with clinical depression. However, his secretary was extremely rude with me and basically told me that I wasn't their problem because I no longer live in that area, despite the fact that I got a direct and personal referral from my GP. She referred me vaguely to a clinic at the Douglas Hospital without so much as a number I could call or a name I could use.

I was annoyed, but not surprised. Our health care system sucks, especially mental health. They've organised mental health according to district, presumably so us dirty wrong-side-of-the-tracks people from Verdun don't frighten the Westmounters. ;P

Luckily for me, my mother knows lots of important people. Or, more to the point, she knows people who know important people. So she talked to my godfather, who made one single phone call (I kid you not) and got me an appointment with Dr. Steiner, who's the head of psychiatry at the General hospital. So, yeah. It ain't what you know, it's who you know, even in healthcare.

I feel bad for all the other people who don't have a godfather who knows important people who're being given the runaround.

Seriously. If I'd been feeling really depressed when I talked to that secretary (luckily for her I was hypomanic), I would have taken it as a sign that I was right after all, that I wasn't worth anyone's time anyway and why should I get help that I didn't deserve?

*sigh*

You'd think someone in mental health would know better, but all she wanted to do was get me off the phone. It showed in her tone of voice, in the words she used: her whole attitude was one of "Look, you're wasting my time. Would you fuck off already? I have filing to do, and no way am I staying here a minute past 5pm."

*refrains from wishing something uncharitable*