![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
It's an art form, really
Minor epiphanies are great, as long as they happen at convenient times.
I've been wondering lately why this latent sense of dissatisfaction with my life has been following me around. I have a pretty good job (frustrations with certain aspects of it aside), prospects for another really good job, and for the first time in, oh, about five years, I'm not worried about money.
So what's the problem? That's what I was asking myself. I haven't been writing, the apartment is not clean (*sigh*), and I've mostly gone into hermit mode except for long-standing commitments.
I think I've figured out at least part of it: things are going too well. Yes, yes, I know, poor me. That's just the thing, though: for the past, oh, eight or ten years, something has *always* been going wrong for me. Sometimes it was small stuff, a lot of it was financial suck, and a lot of it was getting over being crazy. I learned how to exist in survival mode only. The only way I know how to keep myself together is if there's an actual crisis (whether real or in my head), and I can therefore say to myself: "Self, you have to hold yourself together until this crisis is over."
So now that there's no crisis, my head is happily helping me to create some artificial ones ("The apartment isn't clean! Oh noes! Whatever shall we do?" "Oh noes! There's no writing happening!"), and engaging in the subtle-but-happy art of self-sabotage. So I accidentally forget to plug in my phone when I'm expecting an important phone call, or "forget" to make other important phone calls, or I procrastinate on sending out important documents. It's like I don't want to be fulfilled, because then I would lose all my coping mechanisms.
...
Y'know, on paper (or on the screen, as it happens), that looks a lot more screwed up than I thought.
Anyway, minor epiphany for Phnee. Now I just have to figure out how to fix this stupid problem I've created whholesale out of thin air.
I've been wondering lately why this latent sense of dissatisfaction with my life has been following me around. I have a pretty good job (frustrations with certain aspects of it aside), prospects for another really good job, and for the first time in, oh, about five years, I'm not worried about money.
So what's the problem? That's what I was asking myself. I haven't been writing, the apartment is not clean (*sigh*), and I've mostly gone into hermit mode except for long-standing commitments.
I think I've figured out at least part of it: things are going too well. Yes, yes, I know, poor me. That's just the thing, though: for the past, oh, eight or ten years, something has *always* been going wrong for me. Sometimes it was small stuff, a lot of it was financial suck, and a lot of it was getting over being crazy. I learned how to exist in survival mode only. The only way I know how to keep myself together is if there's an actual crisis (whether real or in my head), and I can therefore say to myself: "Self, you have to hold yourself together until this crisis is over."
So now that there's no crisis, my head is happily helping me to create some artificial ones ("The apartment isn't clean! Oh noes! Whatever shall we do?" "Oh noes! There's no writing happening!"), and engaging in the subtle-but-happy art of self-sabotage. So I accidentally forget to plug in my phone when I'm expecting an important phone call, or "forget" to make other important phone calls, or I procrastinate on sending out important documents. It's like I don't want to be fulfilled, because then I would lose all my coping mechanisms.
...
Y'know, on paper (or on the screen, as it happens), that looks a lot more screwed up than I thought.
Anyway, minor epiphany for Phnee. Now I just have to figure out how to fix this stupid problem I've created whholesale out of thin air.
no subject
You know, I have exactly the same problem, both on the workload and relationship levels? But don't worry; with time you get used to the absence of stress and suck, and things get better.
Been a while since we've seen you...
no subject
I can't believe no one thinks I'm insane...
no subject
We have to create tools to deal with very real challenges, and when it's time to rest for awhile, it's hard to put them down.
Good on you for seeing this. That's more than most do! Most of us (especially me!) continue to compulsively create drama, and stay stuck, because I'm somewhat afraid of actually being happy, because I don't know how to. What a freakin' psycle!
no subject
I've come to crave peace in my life and find my problem-busting energy has been redirected to ensuring my life is as drama-free as possible.