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Hand me the duct tape and some krazy glue, would you?
Spoke to Fred's ex-girlfriend today.
You may remember Fred from such cryptic posts as this entry and this entry.
Many of you may not know that he had made it perfectly clear to me that he wanted nothing more than to come home with me after the gig on Saturday. I therefore spent two days alternately cleaning the apartment and freaking out about the gig, and freaking out about the apartment not being clean in time, and then freaking out about the gig some more.
Then the gig happened Saturday, there was much excitement and to-dos and happenings, and when the gig was over, Fred flatly announced that he was returning home with his ex-girlfriend (they share the same house, it works for them, whatever). I was, understandably I think, taken aback by this.
So, not knowing what else to do, I sort of stepped back and let him go. I asked if he wanted to get together this coming Saturday, and he gave me a kind of passive-aggressive, noncommittal reply (that really kind of takes talent, you know). So, I figured I would give him some time to, you know, come out and tell me what was bugging him.
Radio silence since Saturday. Not that we converse all that much by phone or email, but we do have minimal forms of exchange during the week. Nada. Zip. Niente. Zero. Nichts. Zilch.
Not knowing Fred all that well, I decided to ask his ex about it tonight at a meeting for the volunteers at our line dancing club (she's one of the DJs). After all, she's known him a really long time, lives with him, and has seen him through some pretty rough patches. She sort of explained things to me tonight: apparently he made a mental leap worthy of Nijinsky during the gig on Saturday to the conclusion that he didn't fit in with my friends, and that thus things between us wouldn't work out. How's that for logic? This is the summary of a 45-minute conversation, by the way, in which a lot more was said, but I'm going to keep that to a minimum for the sake of my own sanity and the length of this entry.
In light of this news, I have sent Fred an email, in which I am partially playing dumb. I am pretending I don't know exactly why he changed his mind on Saturday. I am, at least the way I see it, leaving him an opening to tell me all this himself, rather than saying "your ex-girlfriend spilled the beans" and depriving him of the chance to communicate with me of his own accord. I have left the door open to other possibilities, asking if I was unclear when I agreed to his coming over, or whether something I did on Saturday upset him. (The possibility that I may be overthinking this has indeed occurred to me, before you ask.)
I also told him straight up that I'm not into mind-reading, and that even if I can perceive that there's a problem, I won't act on my perception until it's confirmed and I know what the problem is. I very often read too much into a situation, and thus end up in overkill when I try to fix things. So, I want him to actually come out and tell me what's wrong, in so many words.
My other problem is that I have very little patience for this kind of crap. Those of you who were reading my LJ in late 2002 - early 2003 will remember the little saga with Poms, in which I went mostly crazy from guilt that wasn't really mine to shoulder. I have no patience whatsoever with people who shove their problems onto others. However, I think I may be being unfair to Fred in this case, as he's not actually forcing anything on me. I'm just projecting here, which is just as bad.
...
Can we tell that Phnee is confused? I just looked at that last paragraph and I can't even parse it anymore. Yeesh.
Anyway, part of me is saying: "Flee to the hills, woman! Flee while there's still time!" And another part of me is saying: "Okay, du calme. This isn't as dramatic as it looks. Why don't you actually talk to him first, and see what's going on there before backing out?"
I don't want to fix him. Let's get this straight. I don't want to go into any sort of relationship with the intention of changing or fixing the other person. If he needs fixing, he'll have to do it himself. However, I have to work on my own communication skills, and communication needs a minimum of two people. So.
The long and the short of this long, rambly post, is that I've sent an email and now I'm nervous as all get-out, because I have this vague suspicion I may be, once again, getting in way over my head.
I'm not actually looking for advice here. I just wanted to write it all out to see if I could get it straight in my head. Feel free to write whatever you want, I won't censor any comments, but advice is not at the top of my list of priorities right now. Just sayin'.
You may remember Fred from such cryptic posts as this entry and this entry.
Many of you may not know that he had made it perfectly clear to me that he wanted nothing more than to come home with me after the gig on Saturday. I therefore spent two days alternately cleaning the apartment and freaking out about the gig, and freaking out about the apartment not being clean in time, and then freaking out about the gig some more.
Then the gig happened Saturday, there was much excitement and to-dos and happenings, and when the gig was over, Fred flatly announced that he was returning home with his ex-girlfriend (they share the same house, it works for them, whatever). I was, understandably I think, taken aback by this.
So, not knowing what else to do, I sort of stepped back and let him go. I asked if he wanted to get together this coming Saturday, and he gave me a kind of passive-aggressive, noncommittal reply (that really kind of takes talent, you know). So, I figured I would give him some time to, you know, come out and tell me what was bugging him.
Radio silence since Saturday. Not that we converse all that much by phone or email, but we do have minimal forms of exchange during the week. Nada. Zip. Niente. Zero. Nichts. Zilch.
Not knowing Fred all that well, I decided to ask his ex about it tonight at a meeting for the volunteers at our line dancing club (she's one of the DJs). After all, she's known him a really long time, lives with him, and has seen him through some pretty rough patches. She sort of explained things to me tonight: apparently he made a mental leap worthy of Nijinsky during the gig on Saturday to the conclusion that he didn't fit in with my friends, and that thus things between us wouldn't work out. How's that for logic? This is the summary of a 45-minute conversation, by the way, in which a lot more was said, but I'm going to keep that to a minimum for the sake of my own sanity and the length of this entry.
In light of this news, I have sent Fred an email, in which I am partially playing dumb. I am pretending I don't know exactly why he changed his mind on Saturday. I am, at least the way I see it, leaving him an opening to tell me all this himself, rather than saying "your ex-girlfriend spilled the beans" and depriving him of the chance to communicate with me of his own accord. I have left the door open to other possibilities, asking if I was unclear when I agreed to his coming over, or whether something I did on Saturday upset him. (The possibility that I may be overthinking this has indeed occurred to me, before you ask.)
I also told him straight up that I'm not into mind-reading, and that even if I can perceive that there's a problem, I won't act on my perception until it's confirmed and I know what the problem is. I very often read too much into a situation, and thus end up in overkill when I try to fix things. So, I want him to actually come out and tell me what's wrong, in so many words.
My other problem is that I have very little patience for this kind of crap. Those of you who were reading my LJ in late 2002 - early 2003 will remember the little saga with Poms, in which I went mostly crazy from guilt that wasn't really mine to shoulder. I have no patience whatsoever with people who shove their problems onto others. However, I think I may be being unfair to Fred in this case, as he's not actually forcing anything on me. I'm just projecting here, which is just as bad.
...
Can we tell that Phnee is confused? I just looked at that last paragraph and I can't even parse it anymore. Yeesh.
Anyway, part of me is saying: "Flee to the hills, woman! Flee while there's still time!" And another part of me is saying: "Okay, du calme. This isn't as dramatic as it looks. Why don't you actually talk to him first, and see what's going on there before backing out?"
I don't want to fix him. Let's get this straight. I don't want to go into any sort of relationship with the intention of changing or fixing the other person. If he needs fixing, he'll have to do it himself. However, I have to work on my own communication skills, and communication needs a minimum of two people. So.
The long and the short of this long, rambly post, is that I've sent an email and now I'm nervous as all get-out, because I have this vague suspicion I may be, once again, getting in way over my head.
I'm not actually looking for advice here. I just wanted to write it all out to see if I could get it straight in my head. Feel free to write whatever you want, I won't censor any comments, but advice is not at the top of my list of priorities right now. Just sayin'.
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*shrugs*
Love lives are complicated. People are complicated. Fuck, look at my current love life, just as a random example. And it doesn't seem like it's going to get any simpler anytime soon. As this week's conclusion stated, it's all a state of perpetual cluelessness. Tea and cookies is pretty much the best advice I can give, really. Cheers to that?
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Amen to that.
I need a tea icon. ;)
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He is, in a way - forcing you to do all the work to draw him back out. My stepmother's all about the cryptic comments and sulking, and then it's all your fault if you don't put in the work to mend the relationship. [Bleah] to communication situations in general. (Can we tell I'm dreding Christmas in the T.Dot this year?)
In totally other news - looks like we'll be in Montreal on the 22nd of December, probably until the morning of the 24th. Then back from Toronto from the 28th (maybe 27th?) until January 2nd... the main factor in the dates decision is if Karine and Adam's party is happening this year. :)
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- Karine
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And the Annual Christmas Party (formerly Adam's annual Christmas party)!
(Alas, cannot attend Halloween this weekend, sanity reasons.)
t!
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*shrugs* I figure that might make a half-decent distraction if you want it.