Computer Woes, With Bonus Musings on Roles in Friendships

[mousme]

My computer bit the dust about three weeks ago. More specifically, the keyboard. I took it to Best Buy, they shipped it to Toronto and told me I'd get it back within a week. This, obviously, was not the case. I'm happy to have it back, and what a difference a new keyboard makes! I hadn't realised just how worn the previous one had become, but typing now is a far sight easier than before, as the keys are much more responsive than I'm used to. So, apart from the fact that it was rather expensive (thank you, Apple) and took three times as long as I was told it would, I have no regrets.

I happened to notice, especially after I'd brought my computer in for repairs, that my social interactions of late have been very one-sided. Apart from a few friends (I can count them on the fingers of one hand and have fingers left over), I am always the one to initiate any kind of interaction. People don't speak to me, I speak to them, and then they answer. People don't invite me to do things together, I invite them, and then they answer.

While my computer was in the shop, I decided not to post at all on social media (I'm not talking about LiveJournal, because I am the first to own that I have neglected this space for years) and see if anyone actually wanted to talk to me without my initiating the conversation. Crickets. Loads of crickets. No one so far has even noticed I was gone for three weeks (not counting the people I speak to live, like coworkers and my parents and one or two friends who aren't on social media much or at all, so they couldn't actually notice my absence for practical reasons).

At first, I got seriously miffed. I mean, full-on pity-party miffed, even though I personally hate it when other people perform arbitrary "tests" of friendships like that. It's a test that people are guaranteed to fail, after all, and the only person who really gets hurt in the process is the one who initiated said test. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? It allows you to collapse on your fainting couch with the back of your hand plastered to your forehead and declare mournfully that it's obvious no one loves you. I knew this going in, but what can I say? It's February, I'm stressed and overworked and depressed, and so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Spoiler alert: it wasn't a good idea.

I spent a few days this week nursing my miffedness. Yes, that's a word. Because I said so. Anyway, after nursing my miffedness to the heights of self-pity, I had a different thought today. Why am I thinking of friendship as a two-way street? Why is reciprocity so important to me? I've had friends stick by me in the past when I wasn't reciprocating, after all (you know who you are, and I will be forever grateful to you for that, by the way). Right now, many of my RL friends have young families and stressful jobs and mortgage payments. Others have major life events happening. Others might be going through things I have no inkling about, because they have chosen to keep those things private, which is entirely their right. Others are hibernating, because winter in Canada is a bitch.

I have always viewed myself as a Good Friend™, which is problematic in and of itself. Because, sometimes, I'm not a good friend. I get wrapped up in my job. I go through periods of intense introversion. I get caught up in my own problems. I often don't notice when people stop posting on social media until they come back, and then I'm happy to see them again. "Hey," I realise, "I haven't seen that person in weeks! How nice to see them again!" So it's not like I don't know that my little experiment was the height of hypocrisy.

In short, this morning I both had a realisation and came to a decision. It's probably not a coincidence that this happened as I was on my way to Meeting, which is always cause for reflection and self-examination. I decided that I'm going to work very hard on no longer demanding reciprocity from my friendships. I have no control over other people's emotions or actions, only over my own.

Therefore it is my role, in my friendships, to be as good a friend as I can be, and not to expect friendship in return.

Comments

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have such mixed feelings about this.

First off, yes, of course, in general it's a good life rule to never keep score. That keeps you sane, and keeping score just makes you a bitter horrible person.

Having said that, I think it's good sometimes to realize that we all keep around some relationships that probably have died off without us noticing, and sometimes some emotional house-cleaning is good. Often painful, but still, good.

Anyway, I'm glad to still be in your world! And sounds like you are doing good thinking and processing. Love you lots.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I have mixed feelings about it too, as you can see. ;)

Keeping score does make you a bitter, horrible person. I also think that, right now, my brain is lying to me because its chemistry is out of whack, and that always makes it cranky and unreliable. So I'm trying to err on the side of caution and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

[guruwench.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you've done some thoughtful meditation, to good end. I confess I had noticed that you weren't around, but we've been eaten by Wedding, and have been feeling a little buried.

I sense you weren't looking for apologies, but I'm giving you one anyway; I have thought of you several times, but haven't reached out, and the reason isn't important so much as my not having done so. I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry, too, that you went through such a difficult period of time. It's a sucky time of year, for a lot of people, and I would love it if you hadn't been one of them this year.

Take care, and hope to talk soon.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

No apologies needed. I figured you, in particular, would have been drowning in wedding things. (I am super excited! I got your thingie in the mail! Is it a "save the date" sort of thing? Because it didn't have any information except for the actual date)

It's not like both my hands are broken. I could easily have reached out, too.

*hugs*

My beginning of March is looking hectic (mother's birthday, among other things), but shall we try to connect later on this month? Maybe have another pizza-and-tease-the-cats night? :)

[guruwench.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you, and yay, you got it! :D Yes, it is a "save the date" thingie - the real invitations are coming later.

We'd love to do another pizza-and-tease-the-cats night! We look forward to meeting the new-to-us members of your household. :) Later in March it is. :)

[hells-half-acre.livejournal.com]

It's an interesting experiment - not so much on your friends, but on yourself. And I agree with the conclusions that you've come to - that being said, I also tend to view what constitutes a friendship differently than some people. Or, maybe not what constitutes it, but what actions are required/not-required to maintain it.

I didn't notice you were gone, but I think that's a reflection more on how *I* use social media (and how the human default is to assume that everyone is like you.) I'm on twitter all the time, but rarely tweet unless in reply to someone. And while I know rationally that you tend to tweet more consistently, I think if anyone had said "Hey, where's mousme?", I would have said, "oh, I'm sure she's around and just replying to people that I don't follow." (Your absence on FB could have easily been explained by a)the fact that I don't think you are very active on there anyway? b)FB algorithms often hide my friends from me)

Friendship is a funny thing. I mean, my BFF and I sometimes go more than three weeks without speaking, actually OFTEN do so, and we don't even really notice... but we'd both walk through fire for each other and we both know that we love each other very much.

Basically, if I feel that when I need someone and call out to them, they'll be there and I know that I'd be there for them too, then that's all that matters to me.

Also, that I know that when we DO have our one conversation per year, you'll "get" me and be understanding and non-judgmental, and we'll have a good time... then that's good. Basic stuff like that doesn't change week to week, so, it's more that friendship is something I see as existing on some base level, regardless if I speak to you everyday, once a year, or once every five years - everything else is just catching up.

That all being said, I've also had a really shitty month - so, another reason I probably didn't notice you were gone was because on most days in the past three weeks, it was a miracle if I noticed whether it was a nice day or if there was any point to life at all.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I hear you on that last one. February has been awful. *hugs*

[chasingthenuns.livejournal.com]

I recall reading a study that concludes that in a friendship, one of the people tends to do most of the initiating. I can't seem to find it now but it stuck out to me. I know it's like that in some of my friendships; I'm just so introverted that I truly don't care about going out. I'm cool with checking in via text or social media once in a while and I'm good. I do truly care about the people in my life though.

Also, fwiw, I did notice you weren't tweeting as much, but when you confirmed my Facebook friend request I thought it was just because I was missing the times that you were on Twitter.