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Aftermath...
Warning: this post is about religion, and Catholicism specifically. Read at your own risk.
I guess many of us were fighting personal demons at the wedding yesterday, in spite of its being such a lovely ceremony. Perhaps because it was such a lovely ceremony, actually.
I know that while the rabbi was marrying![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
joane and shenlo, my heart got torn in several different directions.
Don't get me wrong: I was and am extremely happy for them. They're perfect together and they're two of my best friends and I would kill if anything got in the way of their happiness.
But at the same time, I felt, I don't know, a... pang, if that makes any sense. Unbidden to my mind sprang the question: Why can't I have that?
I know that gays can get married in Canada. But that's not what I'm talking about. For what seemed an eternity (it was about three minutes in Real Time), all that played through my head was the fact that I will very likely never have the wedding I thought I would when I was growing up. I'm not going to kneel before the altar and before God before I'm joined forever with the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.
My father won't walk me down the aisle or give me away. My mother won't be there to bless the union. No priest will solemnize my marriage. There will be no mass. I will not be allowed the Mystery of Communion.
In short, my Church will never accept me as God made me.
I don't practise my religion because for a long time, even before I knew I was gay, I didn't agree with some of the doctrine and dogma adopted by Rome. Now I have more reason to stay away. But it doesn't take away the fact that I am Catholic, and that I love my God. I don't believe for a second that He made a mistake, that my being gay is unnatural or abhorrent somehow. Yet my Church won't believe that. They believe that I have corrupted the work of Him whom I love above all else, that I am a perversion of the laws of God and Nature.
In their eyes, in my mother's eyes, I am an abomination.
So I felt a tug at the bottom of my heart yesterday in the midst of all the joy, mourning the loss of something I never really had.
I guess many of us were fighting personal demons at the wedding yesterday, in spite of its being such a lovely ceremony. Perhaps because it was such a lovely ceremony, actually.
I know that while the rabbi was marrying
joane and shenlo, my heart got torn in several different directions.Don't get me wrong: I was and am extremely happy for them. They're perfect together and they're two of my best friends and I would kill if anything got in the way of their happiness.
But at the same time, I felt, I don't know, a... pang, if that makes any sense. Unbidden to my mind sprang the question: Why can't I have that?
I know that gays can get married in Canada. But that's not what I'm talking about. For what seemed an eternity (it was about three minutes in Real Time), all that played through my head was the fact that I will very likely never have the wedding I thought I would when I was growing up. I'm not going to kneel before the altar and before God before I'm joined forever with the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.
My father won't walk me down the aisle or give me away. My mother won't be there to bless the union. No priest will solemnize my marriage. There will be no mass. I will not be allowed the Mystery of Communion.
In short, my Church will never accept me as God made me.
I don't practise my religion because for a long time, even before I knew I was gay, I didn't agree with some of the doctrine and dogma adopted by Rome. Now I have more reason to stay away. But it doesn't take away the fact that I am Catholic, and that I love my God. I don't believe for a second that He made a mistake, that my being gay is unnatural or abhorrent somehow. Yet my Church won't believe that. They believe that I have corrupted the work of Him whom I love above all else, that I am a perversion of the laws of God and Nature.
In their eyes, in my mother's eyes, I am an abomination.
So I felt a tug at the bottom of my heart yesterday in the midst of all the joy, mourning the loss of something I never really had.