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Maybe I need to add more warning labels
A few months back, BorderCrossing admitted to me that she never bothered reading my profile on the site where we met. She saw the Wall of Text and decided that it was too long. I was a little nonplussed at encountering this Real Life version of tl;dr, but let it slide. She read my profile later, and told me at that point that if she had read it she probably wouldn't have even bothered to go out with me. Again, I was nonplussed, but since she was clearly interested now, I again let it slide.
Then I remembered that I had tacked on a warning label to my profile about the fact that I don't do casual phone calls and emails, that I often don't do the regular contact thing, especially when work gets crazy.
Not only did I repeatedly tell her this in person when we were first going out, it's also in black and white.
So either she doesn't want to accept that I am like this, and that it would take a lot of time and work for me to change, or else she fundamentally can't understand me.
Either way, it means this can't work. The only way it could work is if I force myself to call/email every single day and constantly verbally reassure her that I care, etc. For those of you who remember the disastrous relationship with Poms, you'll recall how well pressure tactics like that work with me. This isn't on the same level, of course, nor is it quite the same technique. Whereas he called and emailed multiple times a day, she's secretly been "testing" me, waiting to see how long it will take before I "prove" to her that I care by calling or emailing.
Unfortunately, if I don't know there's a test, how can I be expected to pass or even to attempt to take the test at all?
She hinted at this when I was in Québec City, that she would have like to hear from me more. Fair enough. I made an effort after that to call or email at least once a week. Not enough, apparently, but she never said a word, and instead came to the conclusion that I was implying that I wanted to end the relationship.
I get that she probably didn't understand how I communicate affection. To me, inviting her out with my friends, going out of my way to cook dishes that she can eat, and dragging myself out to breakfast with her after twelve straight hours of night shift should have been enough of an indication. Actions and gestures to me speak louder than words. If she needs actual words, then that's a fair request, except I can't guess that that's what she needs. How can I know her needs unless she tells me?
*sigh*
Anyway. This is me processing. Nothing to see here. I'm also disabling comments, because my lovely friends have already given me enough advice (often very good advice!) on the topic. I'm just talking to myself in written form in order to make sense of this in my head.
I'm not looking forward to talking to her. I can't see any way in which this conversation can go well, and I don't really feel like explaining myself. I know I probably owe her an explanation, but so far she either doesn't understand or doesn't believe anything I say. So the emotionally and physically exhausted part of me keeps asking "Why bother?" The cynical part of me is also needling me with the thought that I may be meeting her only because she still has some of my stuff which I want back (a book, a CD, a pair of expensive socks, and my keys). That thought makes me very very uncomfortable. Part of me keeps telling me just to write them off as a loss and move on.
I don't know. I'm tired, and really unhappy about this whole situation. Once it's done I'll go back to the way things were, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I like my life: I have a fulfilling job, fantastic friends, and parents who love me. My life is really good, overall, and while it hurts now to have BorderCrossing leave, having her gone is not going to make a huge difference in my life, except possibly to reduce my stress levels: juggling a girlfriend along with all the other demands in my life was hard, although I thought it was worth it at the time.
If that makes me a bad, selfish, horrible person, then so be it.
Then I remembered that I had tacked on a warning label to my profile about the fact that I don't do casual phone calls and emails, that I often don't do the regular contact thing, especially when work gets crazy.
Not only did I repeatedly tell her this in person when we were first going out, it's also in black and white.
So either she doesn't want to accept that I am like this, and that it would take a lot of time and work for me to change, or else she fundamentally can't understand me.
Either way, it means this can't work. The only way it could work is if I force myself to call/email every single day and constantly verbally reassure her that I care, etc. For those of you who remember the disastrous relationship with Poms, you'll recall how well pressure tactics like that work with me. This isn't on the same level, of course, nor is it quite the same technique. Whereas he called and emailed multiple times a day, she's secretly been "testing" me, waiting to see how long it will take before I "prove" to her that I care by calling or emailing.
Unfortunately, if I don't know there's a test, how can I be expected to pass or even to attempt to take the test at all?
She hinted at this when I was in Québec City, that she would have like to hear from me more. Fair enough. I made an effort after that to call or email at least once a week. Not enough, apparently, but she never said a word, and instead came to the conclusion that I was implying that I wanted to end the relationship.
I get that she probably didn't understand how I communicate affection. To me, inviting her out with my friends, going out of my way to cook dishes that she can eat, and dragging myself out to breakfast with her after twelve straight hours of night shift should have been enough of an indication. Actions and gestures to me speak louder than words. If she needs actual words, then that's a fair request, except I can't guess that that's what she needs. How can I know her needs unless she tells me?
*sigh*
Anyway. This is me processing. Nothing to see here. I'm also disabling comments, because my lovely friends have already given me enough advice (often very good advice!) on the topic. I'm just talking to myself in written form in order to make sense of this in my head.
I'm not looking forward to talking to her. I can't see any way in which this conversation can go well, and I don't really feel like explaining myself. I know I probably owe her an explanation, but so far she either doesn't understand or doesn't believe anything I say. So the emotionally and physically exhausted part of me keeps asking "Why bother?" The cynical part of me is also needling me with the thought that I may be meeting her only because she still has some of my stuff which I want back (a book, a CD, a pair of expensive socks, and my keys). That thought makes me very very uncomfortable. Part of me keeps telling me just to write them off as a loss and move on.
I don't know. I'm tired, and really unhappy about this whole situation. Once it's done I'll go back to the way things were, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I like my life: I have a fulfilling job, fantastic friends, and parents who love me. My life is really good, overall, and while it hurts now to have BorderCrossing leave, having her gone is not going to make a huge difference in my life, except possibly to reduce my stress levels: juggling a girlfriend along with all the other demands in my life was hard, although I thought it was worth it at the time.
If that makes me a bad, selfish, horrible person, then so be it.