Night Shift Delusions

[mousme]

I forgot to report on the house KK and I went to see on Wednesday, mostly because it turned out to be totally not right for us.

The bedrooms were all very cramped (the largest was 130 square feet, and the one I would have had to occupy was 90 square feet, which is fine as long as you don't have to fit two dog crates as well as a queen-sized bed and a dresser and night table in there). I'm very spoiled right now with a large bedroom (over 200 square feet), and the idea of squishing into something less than half that size is, well, unappealing. I can deal with downsizing if everything else is perfect, but that was very much not the case here.

Interestingly enough, I had assumed that the kitchen would be the main issue, and it turned out that the kitchen was one of the better parts of the house. It was very large and unencumbered by terrible cabinetry (the photographs were misleading and made it look like there was terrible cabinetry throughout, but it was just on one wall). Honestly, if that had been the only issue this could have been made into a really great kitchen space--lots of potential there.

The bathroom was microscopic--barely enough room for a toilet, sink, and bathtub. You couldn't really move in there unless you carefully pivoted on yourself. The tub was equipped (and I use the term loosely) with some sort of very flimsy plasticky accordion shower doors that were absolutely falling apart from age and use.

The most interesting part of the house was the basement, which was billed as "finished" but was more partially finished than anything else. It was a really large space, though, with a fair bit of potential to transform it into a really useful space for food storage and a workshop and a bunch of other uses, but I don't want to buy a house just for its basement, especially when the rest of it was in such abysmal shape.

I'm not really upset about it. I wasn't optimistic going in, and I'd rather have a bit more time to put aside more money for a deposit (not to be confused with the down payment!) when we make an offer. Not to mention money for the house inspection and eventually for movers and all of that. On top of that, the company selling the house wanted a 10% deposit with all offers, which is bananas, especially in that area. So for this house I would have had to put down $30k as a deposit, before even the down payment. Deposits in that area are usually closer to 1% of the house price, to give you an idea of how bananas that demand is. I wouldn't be surprised if they got very few or no offers on the house, because it's not in an area that would appeal to house flippers, either, who are the only ones likely to have that much cash on hand for a deposit.

Anyway, as is my wont during night shifts, my brain is making a ton of plans. Or, more precisely, it's writing out a whole bunch of cheques that my body will not be able to cash later on, when it's time to actually execute those plans.

I learned this about myself many years ago, that when I'm a little sleep-deprived and the world is quiet and dark, I absolutely lose my mind and start planning all the ways in which I'm 100% going to turn my life around and become a completely different person--a better, more organized person, one who isn't constantly tired and has no energy, the kind of person who will voluntarily get up at 5am on a Saturday to go outside and get some exercise and then come home and spend several hours cleaning the house and cooking meals for the week and maybe do a little socializing with friends! I will become an unrecognizable, motivated version of myself who has all her shit together! This time will be different, because I have a Brand New System, I swear!

In practice, of course, this magical transformation never happens, because reality sets in pretty quickly once my night shifts are over. The sleep deprivation makes itself felt, and my usual brain fog/lack of energy takes over again. Tasks which I thought would take 15 minutes take three hours, and suddenly all my plans feel like A Lot of Work and I execute maybe 1% of them, if I'm lucky. I spend all of my down time doing the bare necessities to continue existing, and my projects never materialize.

So I have learned that it's fine to allow my brain to have wild fantasies about my future productivity, as long as the rest of me understands that this is all night shift-induced delirium and that I shouldn't actually expect to get most of it done. It's what my mother would call "Building castles in Spain." That way I can enjoy the fantasy and not feel like an abysmal failure when that fantasy doesn't become reality.