Just wanted to say, I've been at a similar place, where I didn't want to kill myself but also didn't want to exist. It sucked SO MUCH that I would not wish it on anyone.

I had one friend in particular, a roomie at the time, who helped me save my sanity by dragging me out of my own head and into the outside world, giving me things I could focus on to break the horrible circuit of thoughts that had developed in my brain. We're still friends and she is still amazing. And one of the reasons she helped so much was, she listened and she got me to do things (like learn to rollerblade), but if she was ever seriously worried about me, she hid it really well.