*hugs* I hear you, seriously. I was a pudgy child and pre-teen, though from what most people around me said I felt like I was shockingly fat. So, then I went ahead and spent my teen and young adult years becoming much larger since there was clearly no hope anyway. *sigh* I've gone up and down some in the last 10-15 years, but not that much in the scheme of things. I'm working on it right now, but I've also decided to cut out the numbers for the most part. I will check in with the scale from time to time, but not very often. I'm not measuring or weighing food except as part of cooking from recipes, and I'm not tracking my food. I've cut out certain kinds of foods that are either all or nothing for me, but I can eat lots of different, tasty things. I'm going to start working in exercise but right now all the extra work I'm doing with food prep and cleaning feels like exercise all on its own.

As far as the magic number goes, I refuse to let myself truly care about that. I fully expect to be overweight for the rest of my life, but I would like to be less so because at this point my size restricts me in ways. I'm also eating better in the hopes of feeling better, regardless of weight loss. I need to clean out the little room where I have my weights so that I can get back to them.

Good luck with what you're doing