... that comment sounded familiar. I did recall feeling annoyed myself by the fact that heterosexuals as a whole will rarely take the initiative of reading about gay realities or renting gay movies - in the same way that we read (heterosexual) realities, rent (heterosexual) movies and live in a heterosexual environment (only it never is called thus, being the «default» and the «universal» reality).
Also, I could relate it to my own growing experience in encountering bad faith, resistance, and denial, even when I was being very soft in the way I would answer questions - and even from people I was very close with. Gee, it happened no later than last december with a good friend of mine who was basically invalidating the experiences of hurt I was sharing with him («few people are homophobic», « there is no double standard 'friend' treatment » said he - among other things -, basically waving off what I was telling him). Granted, he did not do it in a rude way, but rather in a casual, matter-of-fact way, which, in the end, produces the same results. While I first thought I could draw from an unexhaustible well of patience, I started to realize, during the last two years, that it was getting a bit dry. Especially when it came to family and friends who display defensive attitudes and profess denial. You would expect them to take what you share more seriously. To really be listening. But eventually you get to the realization that they need to be decentered and shocked out of their complacency and coziness, that they have to know how much they're pissing you off because your softspokenness does not seem to be enough in driving home the point that you are hurting.
Now when questions are coming up, I brace up for Teh Stupid. Not the ignorance, but the denial. Ignorance, I can deal with that. Bad faith and defensiveness. not. And yes, I would hope that some people would take a little initiative sometimes and go outside their comfort zones.
Going back to the angry LGBT POC folks. I had the same realization you had. You cannot hide from educating about race. You cannot play pause and get a break. And if you are, say, a Black lesbian who is very much aware of sexism, racism and heterosexism, you often have to bear the brunt of Teh Stupid and patience gets exhausted pretty fast thank you.
I would like to add, too, that there is a difference in context between anti-racist activism and gay activism. There is a far longer history of Teh stupid from whites than there is from heterosexual people. Anti-racist activism appeared much more sooner than gay activism did. And they started out with being very mellow and soft-spoken as a whole. They were into educating, but denial and outright agressivity from whites has eroded it.
Here is an excellent link that is really worth a read, which illustrates it:
http://www.zmag.org/znet/viewArticle/3982
It is taken from a my-my! «required reading section» from the angry black woman blog:
http://theangryblackwoman.com/required-reading/
Oh yeah, there is also the part about derailing conversations, but it was already well adressed by others.
(Sorry about the convoluted nature of this post. I did not want to work twice the time on it in order to make it as fine as I'd wish! ;)
Jumping in a little late 2
... that comment sounded familiar. I did recall feeling annoyed myself by the fact that heterosexuals as a whole will rarely take the initiative of reading about gay realities or renting gay movies - in the same way that we read (heterosexual) realities, rent (heterosexual) movies and live in a heterosexual environment (only it never is called thus, being the «default» and the «universal» reality).
Also, I could relate it to my own growing experience in encountering bad faith, resistance, and denial, even when I was being very soft in the way I would answer questions - and even from people I was very close with. Gee, it happened no later than last december with a good friend of mine who was basically invalidating the experiences of hurt I was sharing with him («few people are homophobic», « there is no double standard 'friend' treatment » said he - among other things -, basically waving off what I was telling him). Granted, he did not do it in a rude way, but rather in a casual, matter-of-fact way, which, in the end, produces the same results. While I first thought I could draw from an unexhaustible well of patience, I started to realize, during the last two years, that it was getting a bit dry. Especially when it came to family and friends who display defensive attitudes and profess denial. You would expect them to take what you share more seriously. To really be listening. But eventually you get to the realization that they need to be decentered and shocked out of their complacency and coziness, that they have to know how much they're pissing you off because your softspokenness does not seem to be enough in driving home the point that you are hurting.
Now when questions are coming up, I brace up for Teh Stupid. Not the ignorance, but the denial. Ignorance, I can deal with that. Bad faith and defensiveness. not. And yes, I would hope that some people would take a little initiative sometimes and go outside their comfort zones.
Going back to the angry LGBT POC folks. I had the same realization you had. You cannot hide from educating about race. You cannot play pause and get a break. And if you are, say, a Black lesbian who is very much aware of sexism, racism and heterosexism, you often have to bear the brunt of Teh Stupid and patience gets exhausted pretty fast thank you.
I would like to add, too, that there is a difference in context between anti-racist activism and gay activism. There is a far longer history of Teh stupid from whites than there is from heterosexual people. Anti-racist activism appeared much more sooner than gay activism did. And they started out with being very mellow and soft-spoken as a whole. They were into educating, but denial and outright agressivity from whites has eroded it.
Here is an excellent link that is really worth a read, which illustrates it:
http://www.zmag.org/znet/viewArticle/3982
It is taken from a my-my! «required reading section» from the angry black woman blog:
http://theangryblackwoman.com/required-reading/
Oh yeah, there is also the part about derailing conversations, but it was already well adressed by others.
(Sorry about the convoluted nature of this post. I did not want to work twice the time on it in order to make it as fine as I'd wish! ;)