mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Morbid & Creepifyin')
So I was reading some fanfic yesterday in which one of the characters is suffering from depression with psychotic features, and it was freakily well-written and quite possibly hit a little close to home.

And I think that maybe I shouldn't be reading this in the middle of a winter in which November has lasted all the way into February, or maybe it was just the St. John's Wort and the resulting really vivid dreams that's screwing with me, or I dunno.

I also left a long-winded comment in someone's LJ with a summary of the Five Years During Which Phnee Kind of Went off the Deep End™, because someone close to her is going through a bad time, and I am a firm believer in not keeping silent about that sort of thing. mental illness is one of those last taboos that no one speaks of in polite society, because it's Just Not Done and it makes people uncomfortable. So unless someone is asking me about the scars on my arm in the middle of a party, when it's obviously not the right time for it, I do try to answer questions as honestly and completely as possible.

A quick explanation for the new people )

I'm not sure if it's just the fact that it's winter and it's been rougher than usual this year, or if all that rehashing of old issues in my head brought it all back, or what. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Freakout behind the cut )

So all's well that ends well. All in all, I think it went okay, and I didn't have any residual bad feelings or anything this morning.

I'm counting this one as a win.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Sisyphus)
Okay, the title is a lie, but it's been a while since I updated with anything other than whining about the fact that my head hurt. So!

Life has been proceeding apace. While it seems it's a hard winter for everyone (media sources say 70% less sun than the national average this year! GAH!), the St. John's Wort is helping me get up and get out the door every day, and that's a Very Good Thing™.

The rest of my life is being taken up by work and going to the gym, occasionally seeing people (veeeery occasionally, alas), and generally keeping out of trouble.

Supernatural started up again on Thursday with a new episode, and there was much squeeing and bouncing until about the halfway mark of the episode, when it kind of turned a little "meh." Still, it was a pretty decent episode, just not earth-shattering and annoyingly didn't resolve anything at all (I was sort of hoping for progress on a meta level. Oh well. Maybe next time.)

Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I need to just roll with the whole low-energy thing this winter. If that's how it is, that's how it is. I am going to stop feeling as though I'm letting down the universe just because I'm not a whirlwind of sociability. Seriously, Phnee, the universe will survive just fine without you there to prop it up. :P

So I'm doing the bare minimum to keep functioning and keep myself in a good headspace. I get plenty of sleep, see friends when I can (all alone time and no friends makes Phnee go crazy!), and go to the gym. The gym is a two-fold blessing: 1) regular exercise helps keep me on an even keel, and 2) I am doing SUPER well. I can totally bench press 100lbs now, and I am SO PROUD!

The cats have been like VELCRO lately. I've had a bit of extra time off from work (long story, don't ask, and I'm totally paying for it in February), and when I'm home they glom onto me like alien face huggers. Especially Pan-Pan, who has been doing his level best to actually graft himself to my person. It's been a painful if very loving experience.

Yeah, that's about it. I've been reading e.e. cummings and fanfic, and am contemplating picking up the latest Harry Dresden novel sooner rather than later. It ought to be in paperback by now, if memory serves. Part of me is considering picking up a big juicy classic in February, too, if only for a change of pace away from genre fiction.

So, how's everyone been?
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Blustery)
It's snowing out. Again.

I have been sitting on my sofa all day with George curled up next to me. Every so often he rolls over and demands that I rub his belly.

I'm re-watching "Supernatural," because I am just that obsessed. It's still making me giggle and cringe and worry about the characters. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of shows that have been able to do that for me a second time around ("The Pretender" is one of them, for the record).

In short: snowy day, purring cats, good TV.

Yeah, life is rough.


S.A.D. stuff behind the cut. The short version is: Phnee is taking St. John's Wort and things are better. )

So, yeah. Doing better. It's not exactly unicorns pissing rainbows and butterflies, but it's better.

Maybe later on I'll get around to posting the usual memes I do around this time of year, start making plans, which is what I always do around my birthday.

Good times.

Happy trails, all!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Winter Is Coming)
So November is continuing right on until Christmas this year, it seems. I want to complain to management, except I keep getting put on hold with horrific Christmas music on loop.

[Poll #1500394]
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Crazy Chick)
No, seriously, it is RIDICULOUS that chemicals in my brain can do this to me.

Ridiculous.

I refuse to be held hostage by a bunch of freaking neurotransmitters.

I have spoken.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Unbowed)
November is kicking my ass.

I didn't really notice because I was trying to keep busy, but this week between the new schedule, night shift, and George going AWOL for so long, it kind of all came down like the proverbial ton of bricks.

If you need me, I will be hiding under the nearest available rock.

Apologies to people waiting on a NaNo update from me. I'll get to it, I swear, even if it looks like I won't hit 50K. Right now, it just doesn't feel that important.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Fizzgig)
My morning so far:

EVERYONE: "Hi Phnee! Be a doll and put out these five fires and fix these ten problems? Thanks!"

Also, even though there are six people working this morning, apparently everyone else has broken both their arms, since they can't seem to answer the damned phones.

AUGH!

I haven't felt this stabby in a very long time. I have been going to bed early every day this week, and it's not helping. I want to drive something long and sharp and hurty into someone's eye.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Pout)
I am grumpy. Luckily I'm working with Hottie!Coworker, who is also super super nice, and it's not too busy. Thus my mood has improved slightly.

Got a long day ahead of me, though.

:::ETA:::

Apparently it is so early that I missed the fact that I made a typo in my subject line. *sigh*
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Random Sentences)
I am feeling the change in time, but not as keenly as my friends are, because my schedule is wacky anyway. This week I am "allowed" to get up after the sun is out, so it's not so bad. On days when I have to be up early, I'm up before the sun no matter what.

I am wearing a shirt that hasn't looked good on me since October, which pleases me. :D

All in all, in spite of being tired, I am in a good mood. Am going to the gym after work.

Oh, to the gang going to Hurley's on Wednesday: I will be there, but only starting at 18:30, as I'm working swing shift this week.

Back to work!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (We are the Universe)
I'm overtired and haven't had enough sunlight lately. Part of this is my own fault. Part of this is working night shift.

In spite of my efforts to keep my posts light-hearted and positive, I've been dealing with a good dose of low-level anxiety of late. Part of this is seasonal, part of it is due to what's going on politically (nothing like having the government disintegrate during a time of economic crisis, and having there be a good chance of the whole separatism thing starting up again: 'cause what we really need is to beat that dead horse in order to make sure it's really dead).

And part of it is my own damned fault. I kind of ran into some minor financial snags lately. This is nothing, I hasten to add. It's just some poor planning on my part, and is nowhere near doing anything but causing me some mild inconvenience for the next few weeks. My reaction, on the other hand, has been nothing short of breathtakingly over the top about this.

For those of you who are new to this LJ (two years or less), the thing you have to understand is that this whole "financial stability" thing is still pretty new to me. I used to live paycheque to paycheque, and for a very long time there was always a lot of month left at the end of the money. I wrecked my credit during that time, partly because I had no money and partly because I was incapable of managing what little money I did have. This created constant, gut-ripping anxiety on my part (spiced up with the occasional panic attack).

So this latest snag? Objectively, I know I'll be fine. I need to be a bit careful for the next thirty days, but it's not going to prevent me from paying my bills or eating. It means that it's a damned good thing I decided not to buy Christmas presents for anyone except my parents and BorderCrossing this year, and it also means that I'm likely not going to buy any more Christmas decorations than the ones I already have.

Emotionally, it's doing a number on my headspace. The irrational part of me is suddenly convinced that I'm back on the slippery slope to being constantly in the red, to having to watch my bank balance like a hawk and sending up a prayer every time I buy groceries so that my transaction doesn't get refused.

So, anyway, no happy-fluffy entry from me right now. I'm okay, but I've been better. Knowing that probably 95% of everyone else out there has it worse than me is somehow not a comfort.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Canadian Borg)
Je suis d'une méchante mauvaise humeur aujourd'hui. C'est peut-être pour ça que j'ai décidé d'écrire en Français, pour la première fois depuis plusieurs années au moins. D'habitude je m'exprime beaucoup mieux en Anglais: je me sens plus à l'aise dans cette langue pour ce qui a trait aux affaires de mon quotidien.

Or, aujourd'hui je suis en beau calisse avec le monde au complet. Va chercher pourquoi. Par contre, il n'y a rien comme la langue québécoise qui permet de sacrer avec panache, hostie! ;)

Tout le monde me tape sur les nerfs, en particulier les gens qui sont à fleur de peau pour rien (crisse), les gens qui se démontrent capable de s'illusionner sur leurs propres motivations (tabarnac), et l'hostie de calisse de tabarnac de saint-ciboire de système radio à MARDE qui ne marche qu'à moitié et qui rend ma job dix fois plus difficile qu'elle ne devrait l'être, calvaire!

Voilà, c'est tout ce que j'avais à dire. Merci pour votre attention.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Woe. And darkness. And teh sad.)
I am inexplicably down today. I'm not sure why (hence "inexplicably"). I got plenty of sleep last night (once again, a "quick nap" lasted much longer than I anticipated), so it can't be that I'm overtired. I'm tired, yes, but reasonably well-rested for now. I had breakfast, so I doubt that it's low blood sugar. My fundraising campaign is going well, so it can't be that. It could be generalized anxiety about the metric assload of things I have to do before I leave. Maybe.

The Giant Admin Task Of Doom is looming again. I'm supposed to be creating a huge pdf document with all the OCC procedures in it, except that I have no idea how to tackle it. It's like trying to eat an elephant: I know I have to eat it one bite at a time, but which end am I supposed to start with?

Mnyeh.

I am pulling a double shift today. That means no Hump Night at Hurley's. Boo. Instead I will be at work, watching the French-language leaders' debate on TV in between calls. I expect it will be excruciating and possibly embarrassing at times.

Tomorrow is the English-language leaders' debate, at the same time as the VP debate in the U.S. I will confess to being torn. As a good Canadian citizen, I feel a certain moral and civic obligation to watch our own debate. OTOH, the U.S. is gearing up for what looks to be a historic election (I gotta say that this Canadian election is going to be anything but historic), and I want to watch the VP debate out of sheer shadenfreude for the brilliant train wreck that it promises to be. "Good ole boy" Joe Biden vs "I-can-see-Russia-from-my-house!" Sarah Palin. I mean, "trainwreck" doesn't even begin to describe the full potential of this debate. Whoever wins it will do so by a landslide: there's no way for this not to be polarizing. Compare that to the ho-hum drudgery of watching our four charismatically-challenged candidates argue unconvincingly about the environment, and you can see why I'm torn about this.

Hm. My mood just got better. Also inexplicably. Maybe I need to think about Sarah Palin more: the humour in the situation never fails to cheer me up. Mind you, if she and McCain win, I may end up depressed for another four years. :P

Bah

Jun. 1st, 2007 01:20 pm
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Meer!)
I have been in a lousy mood all week. I find myself incapable of patience for anyone's troubles, including my own (not that there have been that many of late). All I want to do is shake people very very hard until they come to their senses.

I say again: bah.

I started a migraine last night and woke up with it this morning, and although it's pretty much gone now, I am still in a pissy mood about it.

I want my regular schedule back, even if it means giving up my evenings again. Things go awry in my life when I don't have a fixed schedule.

Meow! Meow! It's all very sad.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Woe. And darkness. And teh sad.)
Miaow!

I'm having a bad morning. Some of it is carry-over from the work-related suck. Some of it is because yesterday was really hectic and tiring. Some of it is because I haven't slept well since Friday.

Now it's a quarter past ten, and I have to leave in about an hour and I'm nowhere near done with all the things I wanted to do today.

Miaow!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (I Pagliacci)
It feels a bit strange to be waking up, having a shower and prepping for work at this hour of the day. However, it does mean that the Overtime Fairy is going to pay me a visit. Yay! Got in a four-hour catnap, and watched the last episode of Season 4 of Babylon 5. I am underwhelmed, sadly enough, but then I've never been a fan of shows in which the last episode sums up in about five minutes what happens in the next ten to a hundred years. So.

Now I have to get dressed and head in to work in about 45 minutes. Dinner is in prep mode on the stove, the cats are clinging to me (not surprisingly) and on the whole life is good. Am having some weather and tiredness-related angst, but with any luck that shall resolve itself once I've had some more sleep. I know better by now than to think that all the irrational thoughts floating around in my head are anything but temporary, so I'm doing what I do best: battening down the hatches and weathering out the storm. These things blow over, they always do. I just wish they'd give me a break for a few months. Sheesh.

Off to go check on dinner.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Woe. And darkness. And teh sad.)
I. give. right. the fuck. up.

*cries*


There seems to be some kind of major fucking law in the universe that states "Phnee's life shall never go smoothly. There must always be a source of stress of some kind."
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Me (Red))
I went food shopping today, stayed totally within budget, and now have the makings of sandwiches and chili, along with a few basics like milk and all that. Go me!

Am currently in the process of making egg salad (to go in the sandwiches, right?), and I shall be making chili sometime in the next few days.

Can someone tell me the difference between crushed tomatoes and tomato paste? I couldn't tell just by looking at the labels on the cans. Colour me perplexed. Tomato paste, perversely, is more expensive.

My leg is asleep, which is most annoying. I suspect I shall survive the ordeal, mind you.

For all that things are sucking financially right now, I am in a revoltingly good mood this evening. The same can't be said for this morning, as evidenced by my previous post (which was written around 9am). Work just pissed me right off for a while, and then I pretty much got over myself and got on with my day. As it stands now, I am a happy camper. Couldn't tell you exactly why, I'm just in a good mood, and I'm grateful for small mercies.

I'm currently reading China Miéville's "The Scar." For once, I find that I have to take this book slowly. I feel like a dog rolling around in the grass, reading this stuff. C'est jouissif. I don't know how to say that in English in a way that conveys the expression properly. He's only a year older than I am. I'm going to choose to take hope and inspiration from this. I am a talented writer, so if he can do it, then so can I.

Recommended reading for the sci fi fans on my flist out there. Definitely worth picking up.


Using a "me" icon, just 'cause I can and I hadn't in a while. I should try to find a more recent picture of me to use. That one's nearly two years old, not that I've changed all that much since it was taken.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (George (tongue))
I'm going to bed right after this, promise.

Very fun and productive writing jam with [livejournal.com profile] toughlovemuse tonight. One day she will learn not to be polite with me and tell me to shut up when she needs to concentrate. ;) However, I got a fair bit of writing done on my swan story (which still doesn't have a title), and the macaroni and cheese was delicious. Not to mention that [livejournal.com profile] chibipunkdemon (at the behest of his lovely wife) made the ultimate sacrifice and went out to the store to buy Fig Newtons. They only had Date Newtons apparently, but it was close enough. Clearly, [livejournal.com profile] toughlovemuse has lucked out in her choice of husbands.

The CAM is driving me batshit. 'Nuff said.


My sleep patterns have gone all wonky. Mostly I've been having annoying panic attacks in the middle of the night which prevent me from sleeping properly. I sort of almost wake up, gripped with [insert completely stupid and irrational fear here| and still halfway dreaming, and I stay that way for anywhere from thirty seconds to twenty minutes, until I can wake myself up completely. Then I have to get myself back to sleep properly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat that two or three times a night, and you have yourself some pretty damned broken sleep.

Up until today I was functioning pretty well, but at work today I noticed that my mood swung severely into the "cranky" zone. I was planning on taking a Seroquel tonight, which my meds doc told me I should do if my sleep ever gets way out of whack again, but it tends to knock me out for a very long time, and I got home late tonight. So, rather than either oversleep tomorrow or else be a zombie all day, I shall cross my fingers and hope for a good night's sleep, and if not I shall take the Seroquel tomorrow night.

In other news, I am enjoying "A Feast For Crows" a good deal, although so far I am missing some of my favourite characters, aned other characters I don't care about as much, but about whom I'd still like to hear. Tyrion and Bran and Daenerys and all those folk. I wonder if they'll be in the other half of the book that didn't get published. I really like poor Podrik Payne. He breaks my heart.

Okay. I had more to say, but my brain is melting. Bed.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Get off my ship)
Haven't been online much at all, my apologies. The only reason I made contact with anyone at all this week was because I couldn't avoid it, what with the gig and all.

Used all my resources not to physically assault anyone. I think I was successful. If I wasn't, I don't remember. If I need to be paying someone's hospital bills, would the relevant party please let me know?

I'm not in any kind of state to be holding normal conversations or having normal interactions. Please bear with me for a while longer until I can sort myself the fuck out and get back to normal.

I'm not going to comment on last night's gig just yet. Most of the other people in both bands have already done so, so you can always go to their blogs to read about what happened if you'd like.

Okay, so this was my official "I'm still alive" post. I'm now going to bed. G'night!

I'm awake!

Apr. 11th, 2006 02:44 am
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Gahoogy hoo! Coffee!)
Insomnia sucks.

Bouncing randomly off walls all day and into the night. Overslept this morning, although I only got about three hours' sleep. Maybe less. Broken sleep. Yay.

It's three o'clock in the morning. Do you know where your sleep patterns are?

Can't blame it on the coffee. Had that this morning. Three cups. Three cups of coffee. Three hours of sleep. Balance. Or lack thereof. Whee! Definitely not the coffee. Can't possibly last that long in one's system, can it? Last cup was at ten o'clock. Seventeen hours ago. Definitely not the coffee.

Hey, stream-of-consciousness posting! Whee! Should that be hyphenated? Don't know. I ought to know. Don't recall. Not important right now. It's my LJ and I'll hyphenate random words if I want to.

Been watching Dead Like Me. Note to self: watching shows about death and the afterlife (or lack thereof) when dealing with insomnia is baaaaad. Too much thinking involved. Funny that. Thinking about stuff just because you watch a tv show. Most people don't. Think, that is. Thinking about stuff/things/whatever/insert generic word here/yay just because they watched a random program on television.

Not that I've been watching it on television, mind. It's on at stupidass o'clock on Sundays, along with Slings & Arrows which comes right afterward, which means I'm never near a tv with cable in order to watch it. But I found it at my local Videotron place where I can rent three old DVDs (and by old I mean not all that old but not a new release) for somewhere along the lines of five dollars, and who am I to say no to something like twelve straight hours of television for five bucks? Beats cable any day.

No commercials, for one thing. Commercials are fucking stupid. People who come up with commercials think viewers are idiots, and treat them accordingly. Makes me want to scream at the television. Do enough screaming at the television during the programs, for different reasons. So, no shouting during commercials. I turn off the sound.

I ought to go to bed. I mean, try to sleep, that is. Technically I'm already in bed. Laptops are teh awesome. Thing is, I'm halfway tempted to just say "Fuck it" and stay awake the remaining three or so hours before I have to get up again to go to work. Three and a half? Maybe four. I can usually get away with sleeping until seven, even if it means I have to run like a running thing.

If I go to sleep now (all very theoretical at this point), I'll very likely oversleep. Same as yesterday. Sleeping patterns fucked all to hell. I have to stop watching that show: it's making my language foul. Gotta watch it, or I'll start swearing at work, and where will that get me? Don't want to oversleep: I have to wash my hair in the morning, and I can't do that if I'm asleep. Hair stays disgusting if I oversleep.

On the other hand, band practice in the evening. The question is, if I'm sleep-deprived, what happens? Either I'll be a zombie, or I'll be a spastic mess. Either way, badness.

Forgot to buy applesauce for my lunches at work. Not the end of the world, but still annoying. Lots of other stuff to talk about, too. Work stuff, cat stuff, band stuff, even television and movie stuff. Not tonight, though. Another time. Maybe never, knowing me. Flakey!Phnee is the name of the game right now. At least when it comes to my own affairs. Been trying to stay on top of my phone messages, but that's not really happening. Not on top of my emails, either. I've read them all, am behind on answering them. Bad, bad Phnee.

Work on the other hand is going swimmingly. L should totally develop tendonitis more often. I kicked the ass of the filing and took names. I now officially have no filing left until someone dumps more on my desk tomorrow, which I'm sure will happen. I've put out more fires and dealt with new and emergency situations, and I still have three days left all on my own. In short, I rock like a rocking thing. Or file like a filing thing. Can one file like a rocking thing? Why the hell not? I am The Rocking Thing, and since I file, I assume anyone could file like me and thus file like a rockin thing.

Should definitely be going to bed. Sleep, bed, whatever. Something involving not being awake.


The girl who plays Kaylee had a guest role on Dead Like Me playing a punk girl in a music store. It felt almost wrong to hear her say "Fuck." I was amused, randomly.


Started writing that story that's been rattling around in my head today, finally. Been meaning to get to it since November. Finding it hard to get the voice of the narrator just right. He sounds too old: he's supposed to be eleven and he sounds like he's, well, my age. Not good. It'll come. I figured out his name, though, after all this time, and his brother's. He had no name for the longest time until I finally figured out that his parents were Steinbeck fans. And suddenly this huge facet of character motivation fell into place. I love it when that happens.

Lots of writing projects to work on. Beyond the Pale is coming along nicely. I have to rewrite Into Temptation, which I really don't want to do, having put in all that effort in November, but it needs to be done. *sigh*

Fuck it. Bed. Sleep. Lack of sleep. Whatever. Tossing and turning in the dark at least gets points for effort, right? Right. Going now. Ta!

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